"This was a failure of policy, management, capability and, above all, a failure of imagination." The 9/11 Commission Report Looking for THE 2004 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BEST-WORST LIST? Sorry, try again next year. As was the case with the comic in 2001, the handful of Bests represented by Sonic #131-144 were crowded off the stage by an army of Worsts. It started with the cliche-ridden "Home" story arc that culminated in Sally's expressing her feelings for Sonic after the manner of the Three Stooges. The Smack Heard 'Round The Fandom quickly gave way to a meandering three-parter that worked to resurrect the late Tommy Turtle and make him a major player for no good reason. From there it was a Return to Angel Island where Knuckles got his glide back but became estranged from his father, and we learned that running Knothole in her parents' absence is such a piece of cake that Sally could take the time to write a lonely hearts column in the local newspaper. All this while Ken Penders presents us with a time-travel story arc that took a year to reach a climax before going bye-bye for who knows how long. In another similarity with 2001, a year that saw Ken Penders undergo both surgery and a cross- country move, all this played out against a background of turmoil among the creatives. As rumors ran riot among the fans, comic editor Justin Gabrie left the book and was replaced by Mike Pellerito. The fans themselves got caught up in the conflict as a Red State/Blue State mentality settled in as to whether Karl Bollers or Ken Penders could lay claim to being the King of the Continuity. In an appropriate gesture, the last page of one story was called on account of rain. And in a final similarity between 2001 and 2004, the only real good news was the introduction of a new artist from the ranks of the fans: "DAMN GOOD PIE!" Jonathan H. Gray, aka Jon Gray, aka WB, brought his loose and Looney Toons-style comic artwork to the book. Unlike so many artists who ended up drawing the furry cast with human proportions, Jon not only kept the characters on-model but infused them with a liveliness seldom seen in the comics in general these days, let alone this title. When given the chance to rewrite a particularly lame story, he also proved far more understanding of the continuity and the characters than some other talents. His ability to do it all, honed by doing his own e-strips "Chip and Walter" and "Time Trouble," and refined by his own unfettered approach to the Sonic material [three words: "Live Nude Robotnik!"] represent not only the possible future of the comic but also the future of the industry. And now the bad news.... HOW REASSURING. "This is her maiden voyage, Espio. We're not even sure if she works, mate." Geoffrey telling Espio about the Freedom Fighter Special-Mark 2 just after lift-off in S131's "The Gathering." BECAUSE THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS TOO BORING AND WOULDN'T WASTE NEARLY ENOUGH FUEL. Apparently the best way to travel to wherever Eggman is operating is to "[soar] directly up into the upper atmosphere ... [move] into geo-synchronous orbit around Mobius" and then fall back through the atmosphere. WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST OF THE PRESIDENT OF STATION SQUARE READING "THE PET GOAT" TO A CLASSROOM FULL OF CHILDREN TO TELL YOU THAT NOTHING IS GOING ON AND YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING AND YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT EVACUATING STATION SQUARE. HAVE A NICE DAY. The President of Station Square tells King Max, "In the interest of preventing a wide-spread panic, we've opted not to inform the general public of the impending atomic threat." BOTHER OF THE YEAR For no discernable reason, except perhaps to soften up his image with the security moms, both A.D.A.M. (A sentient computer virus) and the driod Mecha refer to Eggman as "Father." "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" Ken Penders launches "Mobius: 25 Years Later," a story arc set 25 years in the future. Debate as to whether this is the TRUE continuity of the comic divides the fan base. PLUS HE GETS ALL HIS PARKING TICKETS FIXED. We're told that "the Guardian ... is accorded a special status in our society," though Knuckles's duties initially involve eavesdropping on Espio and Rotor making dinner plans. GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "HIP-HUGGER" Our first view of Lien-da is with her dressed in a black leather body suit with her hands on her hips. Her hands STAY on her hips for most of the rest of the story arc. THUS DEMONSTRATING THE REQUISITE MATURITY AND DETACHMENT NECESSARY TO EXECUTE THE OFFICE OF GUARDIAN. Because she believes that she'll never be allowed to be a Guardian, Lara-Su locks herself in the bathroom. "WHAT'S MY MOTIVATION FOR THIS SCENE?" Between issues 131 and 142, Lara-Su's eagerness to become the next Guardian plays no part whatsoever in the story arc. WELL, IT COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOUR LONG-WINDED EXPOSITION GIVING HIM ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE. Eggman's opening speech in S132's "A.D.A.M. and Evil": "By my calculations, Sonic should still be in Knothole City buckling up his shoes. Yet he and his pesky sidekick have somehow arrived and intend to *ulp* ambush my atomic launch! M, how is this possible?" ASK A SILLY QUESTION... M's reply: "There is a ninety-five percent probability of a power ring being involved, Doctor Robotnik." THEY'D HAVE BOOKED LIN MINMEI BUT SHE WAS APPEARING AT AN ANIME CONVENTION IN PACOIMA, CALIFORNIA. Vector's first line of defense against the SWATbot hordes of Eggman is to turn DJ and play records at them. "RIDDLE ME THIS, BOY WONDER!" Tails manages to override A.D.A.M.'s attempt to destroy his plane by telling the computer virus riddles. "DON'T KNOW WHY/THERE'S NO SUN UP IN THE SKY...." Steve Butler shows a freak lightning storm in "The Unveiling" and several other early installments of the story arc, which is about as much freakish weather as we get to see, despite the fact that the characters talk about it a lot. THRILL TO SUCH RIVETING DIALOGUE AS: "You did the math, Rotor. What's the likelihood of that?" ".0000321 percent margin of error!" "AH'M BUNNIE RABBOT. AH'M THE N.R.A." Despite a change of editorial heart that made them lose the hardware where possible in earlier issues, Bunnie shows up on the cover of S133 and in that issue's "Finale" wearing a gun belt with revolvers. WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE JUST SLAPPED NASCAR STICKERS ON HER LEGS AND GIVEN HER A BILL WATTERSON-INSPIRED TATTOO OF SONIC LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER WHILE HE PEES ON ROBOTNIK? Karl Bollers explained that the change in Bunnie's appearance, complete with firearms, was meant to give her a "Southern rebel" aura. IT WAS PROBABLY WHEN SHE PUT THE EGGMAN "BACK OFF!" MUDFLAPS ON THE FREEDOM FIGHTER SPECIAL-MARK 2 THAT THE RELATIONSHIP STARTED GOING SOUR. Without any real explanation to him or the readers, Sonic is informed that Bunnie and Antoine broke up six months ago. "WHAT IS THE SOUND OF A PUNCHLINE NOT HAPPENING?" "When is it a good idea to strike a match? When the match gets violent." One of the riddles Tails tells A.D.A.M. to do ... what was the point of all that again? IT MUST HAVE LOOKED A LOT MORE IMPRESSIVE WHEN KARL BOLLERS PITCHED IT TO FRED GABRIE. Despite an ominous death threat delivered to Robotnik, Shadow only gets to slap him. Once. "I TOLD YOU I'D BE BACK." M's outer shell is burned away to reveal something that looks like a Terminator ripoff. THIS JUST IN FROM THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND INSINCERITY Despite page art that shows our heroes with serious scowls on their faces, Queen Alicia tells Sally that "everyone's happy." IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR DEFINITION OF "IT" IS. "My girlfriends got to do it after their Unveilings!" Lara-Su, "Midnight in the Garden" MAMARONECK, NEW YORK MAY BE ON THE SHORE OF LONG ISLAND SOUND, BUT AS FAR AS THE ARCHIE EDITORS ARE CONCERNED, THAT BODY OF WATER IS DENIAL. In S134's "Say You Will" Dr. Quack explains to Sonic that he wears an eyepatch because he "accidentally stepped on a landmine." The suggestion that Dr. Quack be shown carrying a walking stick to even suggest that he's recovering from a leg injury was overruled. "WHO LET THE DOG TALK?" Karl Bollers never gets around to really explaining why Bunnie and Antoine broke up, but devotes two pages to Muttski's being able to talk ... or Sonic's being able to understand him, anyway. The plot point never came up again for the rest of the year. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: CASE 1 "Say You Will" begins with Sally kissing Sonic on page 3 and smacking him in the face on page 18. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: CASE 2 Benny Lee, whose farewell work for the comic was 2003's Tossed In Space arc, was outed as being a pen name for Karl Bollers. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: CASE 3 Rumors fly on the Internet asserting that Justin Fred Gabrie is also Jay Oliveras, Romy Chacon and/or "Many Hands." Archie management says nothing. WHO DID THEY MAKE THE SEVERANCE CHECK OUT TO? Justin Fred Gabrie is replaced as editor of the comic by Mike Pellerito. APPARENTLY THE ROLE OF GUARDIAN INCLUDES DOUBLING AS HEAD OF THE OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY. "Please don't tell us this is all about discovering what [Lara-Su] and her friends do behind your back!" Spectre inquiring of Knuckles why his surveillance of Lien-Da includes listening to her grill Rutan and his girl, Salma as to whether they were on a hot date. "MAMARONECK, NEW YORK. YOU WILL NEVER FIND A MORE WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY." In S135's "Agent of K.N.O.T.H.O.L.E.," Sonic meets up with a cloaked figure in a "seedy bar" which is seriously underdrawn by Ron Lim. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: CASE 4 Despite the knowledge that he's going to meet someone he thinks is dead, Sonic feels the need to imagine that he's a secret agent. THRILL TO SUCH RIVETING DIALOGUE AS: Robotnik: "Six roboticized individuals. Count them: SIX, A.D.A.M." A.D.A.M.: "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX." From S135's "Anonymous" HE SAID IT, I DIDN'T. "That was such a HUGE waste of time." Robotnik, from S135's "Anonymous" FAITH-BASED STORYTELLING After Sonic FWASHes his father with a power ring in S136's "The Infiltrator," we have to rely on Uncle Chuck's off-hand statement that the ring "brought back his very existence" because Romy Chacon couldn't figure out a way for him to put in an appearance on the final page of the story. AND THE BUTTERFLY McQUEEN MEMORIAL DOMESTIC AWARD GOES TO: Abby, Julie-Su's maid in Mobius: 25 Years Later, who at least LOOKS like a koala though she acts a lot like Scarlett O'Hara's mammy from "Gone With The Wind." A FRESH COAT OF PAINT AND A NEW SET OF HUBCAPS, WHO'S GONNA KNOW? S137's "Robo-Dyne Systems" all but ignores the fact that Sonic and Sally are supposed to be on the outs, probably because the story was originally intended to run over a year before. AMBER ALERT The story "Trouble in Paradise" was supposed to feature two pages of dialogue letting the readers know what Sonia and Manik, Sonic and Sally's offspring in Mobius 25 Years Later, are like. However, due to space considerations, those pages were left on the cutting room floor. NO MUSE IS BAD NEWS Romy Chacon's "One Part Ooo-La-La, and Two Parts Treachery," which does absolutely nothing to help the readers understand what happened to Antoine, was inspired by one throw-away line of dialogue from Ken Penders's "Parallel Paradigm." MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: CASE 1A Despite her acting like her old self in "Robo-Dyne Systems," Sally in S138's "The Message" reverts to screaming her head off at Sonic. SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE PRODUCED BY MEL GIBSON: "THE PASSION OF THE ECHIDNA." No sooner does Knuckles help rescue the inhabitants of Angel Island than they begin worshiping him as "The Avatar." Karl never really does get around to explaining where this came from aside from having Julie-Su recite a "prophecy" that's played no part in the story until now. AND THE DAN DeCARLO MEMORIAL CHEESECAKE AWARD GOES TO: "My Dinner With Sonic" begins as a pool party with all the females dressed in one-piece bathing suits. Sonic and Manik are butt nekkid except for their gloves. GIVING CREDIT WHERE IT'S DON'T My review of S139's "Avatar" elicited a reply from writer Karl Bollers setting me straight when I wondered out loud whether illustrator Jon Gray was responsible for a bit of dialogue between Sonic and Knuckles (it was Karl's). THE LIBRARY WHERE I WORK HASN'T HAD A CARD CATALOG SINCE THE ONLINE CATALOG BECAME FULLY OPERATIONAL IN 1992, BUT THANKS FOR ASKING. "I mean, doesn't the card catalog need dusting? Shouldn't he be demonstrating his power by shushing noisy patrons?" Some gratuitous insults from Karl Bollers which formed part of his response to my review of "Avatar." THE CAST OF "QUEER EYE FROM THE STRAIGHT GUY" WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH HIM. Karl Bollers disavowed naming one of the characters in "Avatar" "Dr. Finitevus," an echidna who dresses like someone from the old Flash Gordon comic strip. I don't know whose idea that was, and I don't WANT to know. WARDROBE BY THE MARQUIS DE SADE, ACCESSORIES BY THE CARE BEARS. Lien-Da makes her appearance in her usual leather bondage wear, with hearts on her belt buckle and the steel toes of her boots. THREE WORDS: ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES Two echidnas bring their blind daughter to Knuckles to be healed; this demonstration of their faith in the Avatar gives Dr. Finitevus an opportunity to overact like crazy. THE OPERATIVE WORD BEING "SLUMBER" In S139's "Slumber Party," such plot as has developed until now grinds to a halt. THIS INTERLUDE BROUGHT TO YOU BY EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SNACK FOOD, CRAPOLA! Ken Penders seems more concerned in "Slumber Party" with coming up with names for junk food (jellystars, buttercorn, Frutello(tm)). IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SOUNDED ANY MORE DIGNIFIED IN ARAMAIC. In "How Many Echidnas Does it Take to Protect a Master Emerald?" (S140), Lara-Le explains that Knuckles's half-brother is named "Knecapeon Mace" or "Kneecaps" for short. THIS IS A COMIC BOOK; YOU'D THINK THE CHARACTERS WOULD BE USED TO IT BY NOW. "It's gotta be weird dying, coming back to life, then having everybody act differently because of it." Mighty, discussing Knuckles (or Sonic, Sally, Tommy Turtle, or anyone else who's been through a death cheat). NO DEATH, ALL CHEAT Karl Bollers brings back the Nameless Hunter Dude from the "King of the Hill" arc which finished off the Knuckles comic; Jon Gray makes him look a lot less like a Kraven knock-off. THRILL TO SUCH RIVETING DIALOGUE AS: "You? Here?! How?! Then that means...!" General Kage demonstrates his mastery of small words. ACRID FLASHBACK In "A Difference of Opinion" (S140), we learn that Knuckles became "a living Chaos Emerald once again." SURE, IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEBODY PUTS AN EYE OUT. We also learn that after Knuckles was hit with the Nullifier he had to get fitted with a bionic eye replacement. SORT OF LIKE AN EPISODE OF "JERRY SPRINGER" In S141's "Ultimate Hero" Julie-Su and Lien-Da spend about a page screeching at each other over who gets custody of the Master Emerald, dredging up some old family issues along the way. JUST WHEN LOCKE HAD THE CONDO IN BOCA RATON DECORATED THE WAY HE LIKED IT. Knuckles ends the story by sticking his father with the Master Emerald while he returns to Knothole. MAYBE IF HE'D TAKEN THE BLUE PILL... The final splash page of the "Return to Angel Island" arc shows that Robotnik has watched "The Matrix" once too often. "HELLO, I MUST BE GOING/I CANNOT STAY, I CAME TO SAY I MUST BE GOING." In S141's "Scenario," Lien-Da shows up at the end of the story to quiz Rotor and Cobar as to what's going on. This encounter plays no further part in the story. I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COMBINE THE NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET WITH THE NAME OF THE STREET YOU GREW UP ON. The names of three of the five "Original Freedom Fighters" introduced in S142 are Spot LONG, M.P. Bull BONES, and Sir PECKERS. IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF KNUCKLES, "TAKE A GUESS, AND THE FIRST TWO DON'T COUNT." Sonic tells Hope that the Original Freedom Fighters "were betrayed by one of their own." To the surprise of no one, it was the snake, Private Trey Scales. JIMINY CRICKET GOT THE SAME DEAL IN "PINOCCHIO" "I Wanna Be A Freedom Fighter!" features Sally pinning a badge on Amy Rose and ... well, that's about it, really. "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" After Rotor and Cobar establish that messing around with the Space-Time Continuum is setting up the possible destruction of Mobius, Angel Island and just about everything else, Rotor suggests sending someone back in time to collect data. And yes, they know that's the thing that caused the problem in the first place. THEY'RE ONLY PART-TIME FREEDOM FIGHTERS; THEIR REGULAR JOBS ARE AS BASEBALL UMPIRES. In "The Original Freedom Fighters: Part 2," Col. Stripe and Sir Peckers talk behind 5-year-old Princess Sally's back while not noticing that she's in the same room with them. ON A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF "MOBIUS 25 YEARS LATER" In the course of a story which is an extended flash-forward, we get a flash-back to Knuckles's father, Locke, dying of cancer. This is more emotionally engaging than the story arc's end-of- the-world plotline. IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOUR DEFINITION OF "WEATHER" IS. "The weather's gotten considerably worse ever since you got back," Julie-Su tells Knuckles in S144's "The Die Is Cast" while in the next panel Harry the cabbie reads a newspaper outdoors while not getting rained on or struck by lightning or anything. "THEY'RE ALL A BUNCH OF LUNATIC SAVAGES" Jon Gray requested permission to rewrite "Love and Loss" as a way to fix characterization problems that have plagued the comic all year. STRANGE INTERLUDE One of the problems Jon dealt with was the ending which, in the original script, had Sally addressing the reader directly and pretty much negating the emotional impact of what had come before. "SOMEONE LEFT THE PAGE ART IN THE RAIN/I DON'T THINK THAT I CAN TAKE IT/'CAUSE IT TOOK SO LONG TO MAKE IT/AND I'LL NEVER SEE THE PENCIL ROUGHS AGAIN/OH, NOOOOO!" Mike Pellerito had to put together yet ANOTHER ending for "Love and Loss" when the envelope containing Jon Gray's artwork sat outside Archie Comics headquarters for three days getting rained on.