Sonic the Hedgehog #153 [Nov 2005]
     Cover by Sanford Greene.  Who's Sanford Greene? 
According to a short biography at the DragonCon Web site,
Greene is currently the artist working on "Army of Darkness." 
He's also done some animation work, including work on the
animated adaptation of Aaron McGruder's daily comic strip "The
Boondocks," which is about as anti-Riverdale as you can get. 
I don't know if he's the permanent Sonic cover artist now, but
it appears that for the foreseeable Spaz will be doing the
covers for the Sonic X line.
     And this cover?  It suggests Sonic (with weird looking
dental work) in a field of laser fire.  Or maybe he's just
freaking out during the laser light show accompanying Mina's
concert.  Or something.  Not a pretty picture, but there's a
first time for everyone. 

     "Songoose: Part 1"
     Story: Karl Bollers; Art: Ron Lim; Ink: Jim Amash, Color:
Jason Jensen; Lettering: John E. Workman; Editor: Mike
Pellerito; Managing Editor: Victor Gorelick; Editor-In-Chief:
Richard Goldwater; Sega Reps: Robert Leffler and Dyna Lopez.

     You remember the Bollers Opening Gambit?  That's where
you take a single action and stretch it out for the first
three pages of a story.  This time Karl limits himself to two
pages which he uses to beat us over the head with the plot.  A
word to the wise: any time a character says "So let me get
this straight...," you know you're in for a heaping helping of
exposition.
     We'll get back to the plot in question later on.  In
light of last issue's mission where Sonic and the harem went
up against The Contiguity, General D'Coollette decides that
the Freedom Fighters need to learn something about teamwork. 
So, according to the dictates of military logic, he sets them
to learn about teamwork by having them beat the crap out of
one another.  Sally supplies the Zen Moment: "This should help
with any aggression.  Considering any inappropriate behavior
that could hurt the team."  Maybe that was supposed to be a
comma instead of a period, I don't know.  And never mind that
the "inappropriateness" referred to in the useless text box
had to do with the Antisonic trying to make love, not war.
     The General then says that his son Antoine "grew up too
fast" and that the "war made him cold" before he starts acting
like he's coming down with something himself.  At this point
the Royal Couple phone in and King Max demonstrates his people
skills by telling the General "I thought I looked bad, old
friend.  You look far worse."  We then are informed that
"Quack thinks it may be we were poisoned on the battle field
years ago, and it is only affecting us now."  Yeah, at the
same time that at least one doppelganger has crossed over from
Antimobius; what are the odds?  Sally observes that her rents
aren't looking too good themselves, but that just might be Ron
Lim's artwork.  Anyway, all this exposition proves to be too
stressful for the General and he passes out.
     Quick cut to the Great Forest while the gang is STILL in
exposition mode.  Sonic informs us that "Antoine" didn't react
all that much when told of his father's declining health.  And
Sonic, math genius that he is, still refuses to put one and
one together and relate this to his duel with the Antisonic a
couple issues back.  And the Idiot Plot merrily rolls along.
     Of course, Sonic's got other worries, namely Tails's
infatuation with Fiona.  Before Tails can ask Fiona to
accompany him to the Mina concert, Sonic suggests that it be a
group outing.  In some subsequent alone time, Fiona cites a
past experience with Sonic that was so confused
chronologically I'm surprised Karl bothered to mention it, but
it does give Fiona the chance to say she has mixed emotions
about the Blue Blur.
     The gang goes backstage to greet Mina before the show,
but the F2F is cut short by Ash, who after being made somewhat
likeable by Jon Gray in "Love and Loss" (S144) is once again
in full butthead mode.  Mina goes out on-stage and with palm
trees swaying nearby (palm trees?) launches into her first
number.
     Meanwhile, in the crowd, trying to look as conspicuous
and menacing as possible with his dark glasses and "Spy vs.
Spy" porkpie hat and trench coat ensemble, is Nack.  He pulls
out a Generic Ray Gun(tm) in an attempt to blast Mina, but
even though he's within range someone bumps into him and
spoils the shot, which manages to set one of the nearby palm
trees (PALM trees?!?) on fire.  Sonic runs to cover Mina, Nack
escapes while the crowd conveniently parts like the Red Sea to
make room for him, Bunnie deposits the flaming palm tree in a
nearby body of water, and Sonic slips in and clocks Nack.
     We then fight through a Batman Activity Book insert. 
Hey, if I wanted to do puzzles and drawings I'd subscribe to
"Highlights For Children."
     We then cut to Nack in the slammer.  Sally overcomes his
initial reluctance to spill his guts by pointing out that his
cell has a terrific view of the Exercise Yard, where he can
get a good look at the three accomplices he pretty much
abandoned during the "Heart of the Hedgehog" story arc. 
Nack's not too keen to attend any reunions, so he confesses
that Eggman ordered the hit on Mina because (and I WISH I
could say I was making this up!) he happened to hear one of
her songs on the radio.  This put the fat boy into such a
state that he went Gestapo on Mina's music and merchandising,
which Nack refers to as "memorabilia."  Ash may be a butthead,
but he apparently knows a thing or two about marketing a hot
property.  However, Ash balks at the suggestion that the
Knothole Freedom Fighters serve as Mina's bodyguards in case
Eggman tries again.  Speaking of which, we learn that Eggman's
Plan B to get rid of Mina consists of ... Heavy and Bomb 2.0.

     HEAD: This feels like one story, the Mina assassination
plot, with other plot points shoveled on top of it: Tails's
crush on Fiona, the ill health of the General and the Royals,
a dash of Antoine, and the unstated continuation of the Idiot
Plot.  We can be pretty sure that these plot points will be
recurring in the comic for several issues to come, no matter
how much like a soap opera this comic gets.
     The assassination plot struck me as a pretty gutsy move
on Archie's part.  Of course Nack wasn't going to succeed;
Archie is still a Comic Code subscriber, after all.  Still, it
raises the level of seriousness in the comic to put a
character's life in danger like that.  It's certainly more
direct and far less confusing that the threat posed by The
Contiguity to Bunnie last time around.
     I was struck, however, by how much the other characters
spoke of "Antoine" (who is really his Evil Twin, don't forget)
but without ever SHOWING "Antoine" doing ... whatever he's
supposed to be doing.  Last I heard, he was still supposed to
be accompanying the Royals, right?  That didn't come out too
clearly in the narrative.
     All this talking about Antoine behind his back doesn't
really answer the question about just what happened to him.  I
hope Archie doesn't settle for the General's single word
balloon and call it "character development" for Antoine.
     One of the other unanswered questions about the comic is
what exactly is the nature of Eggman's "territories."  We
don't know for certain who lives there, whether they're
furries or the squeezings from the Matrix Winery at the end of
the Return To Angel Island story arc or what.  We do know that
Eggman's bots are authorized to exercise a high degree of
censorship on whoever lives there.  I suppose that it would
slow the story down to a crawl to do a detailed exposition of
what life in Eggland is like, but that question is going to
have to be answered sooner or later.
     I'll address Tails's relationship with Fiona in the Heart
section.
     Overall it's a good story except for the feeling that
there were too many other plot points that Karl was obliged to
include.  On the up-side this shows that someone's thinking
long-range about the plot.  The down-side is that plot-driven
stories are never as engaging as character-driven stories and
aside from Tails and Ash nobody's character really comes
through here.  We're back to dealing with dialogue-speaking
cardboard cutouts.  Head Score: 7.
     EYE: Ron Lim is back.  He starts off very promisingly on
the first page with the camera (as it were) pulling away from
Nack using the kind of cinematic technique that's
characterized manga for like the last half-century.  The page
of Nack at the concert where the camera zooms in on him and
his blaster is also well-thought out.  Overall, though, Ron's
modeling and expressions still don't come up to the level of
the A-list artists for the book (Butler, Mawhinney, Gray).  At
least he's taken a cue from the previous story and left off
Bunnie's Air Cav hat and jacket; presumably they were eaten by
The Contiguity.  Or something.
     But WHAT are PALM TREES doing in the Great Forest?  OK,
we have yet to see very many stories set in Knothole during
the winter (stories involving cold and snow usually take place
in other venues) but the Great Forest has always been stocked
with deciduous trees which implies that this is a temperate
climate zone.  So when did it become tropical?  
     I mention this because this demonstrates that the
communication breakdown that caused Al Bigley to visually
misinterpret the Sonic-Bunnie kiss in last issue's "Sonic's
Angels" is still at work.  I don't know whether Karl wanted
palm trees or whether Ron just took it upon himself to draw
them where Karl may just have said "A tree catches fire" or
something like that.  Eye Score: 5.
     HEART: The only real emotional core of is story is
Tails's crush on Fiona, a plot point that will probably be
developed at some point.  Jon Gray did a wordless tribute to
it in S134's "Say You Will," but it hasn't really shown up
again until now.  I can only hope that the writers
understand/remember the dynamics of the Crush.  BTW, the best
explanation I've ever heard for the name came from an old "For
Better Or For Worse" comic strip: "It's called a crush because
that's what you feel when they find out."
     I know that comic writers and artists can't read fanfic,
but I hope that the Sonic writers read FBOFW on a daily basis. 
The cartoonist, Lynn Johnston, is one of the best writers in
the business, as a visit to the FBOFW Web site will attest. 
She's written incredible back stories for her characters, even
the minor ones.  She's also created an entire Native Canadian
village where Elizabeth works as a teacher.  Lynn has a leg up
on the Sonic writers because she could consult several Ojibwes
as to how the village is set up and what life there is like. 
It's certainly made her a better writer; she received the
Debwewin Citation for excellence in Aboriginal-issues
journalism for her strips set in the village of Mtigwaki.
     But back to Tails and his Crush.  It's not as if the
subject hasn't been dealt with, even in animated shows such as
"Hey, Arnold!" and "The Simpsons" which featured the famous
fantasy sequence where the object of Bart's affections rips
his heart out of his chest and drop-kicks it across the
treehouse floor: "You won't be needing THIS anymore!"  
     That segment was memorable because it was emotionally
honest.  And I can only hope that the writers will be just as
honest in writing this comic.  The last thing we need would be
Tails acting precociously horny (the memory of the flip side
when Barby Koala lusted after Tails still creeps me out) or
emoting like crazy should Fiona points out the age difference
between them and say "It'll never work."  I know it's too soon
to say for sure what will happen, but I just want Archie for
once to think about what it's going to do before it's too
late.
     Beyond that, it's hard to think of any characters that we
can really CARE about here.  Sally has been demoted to an
emotionless sayer of lines, as have most of the rest of the
cast.  Mina's chance to be endearing thanks to her stage act
is undercut by the cringe-inducing lyrics ("We'll take the
good times and smash the bad times to pieces," "You keep me
hoping and now I'm roped in") and the fact that the focus
shifts during her song to Nack.  Something about this story
just doesn't work, I'm not sure what exactly, aside from the
boatload of exposition in the beginning.  Heart Score: 6.


     "Fairy Tale"
     "Walk the Plank: Romy Chacon; Swab The Deck: Art
Mawhinney; All Hands On Deck: Rick Koslowski; Shiver Me
Timbers: Josh Ray; Hoist The Sails: Vickie Williams"

     Avast, mateys.  I know not why they phrased the legend of
yon story in such a fashion, but tis possible the bilge rats
in Editorial realized that this issue would be sailing into
port in time for Talk Like A Pirate Day on September 19.  So
let's heave to and hoist the Jolly Roger, and a promise I make
that I won't be going "Arrrr!" and interruptin' things.
     We start with the fair lady Rosie dispensin' medicinal
grog to the little ones, who then come about and be requestin'
a story.  The yarn she spins be one that only starts at sea
when Bunnie spies a young fox fall out of the sky.  Turns out
the poor lad had one of his two tails stolen by a bat and
Sally, bein' an honorable pirate, vows to get it back for him. 
The tale (Rosie's, not the fox lad's) stops bein' piratical at
yon point and becomes a right kettle of fish with Tolkien and
the Tales of King Arthur thrown in.  Small wonder that Madam
Rosie's urchins are fair set to mutiny when tis over.

     HEAD: What be the fascination with the pirate's life? 
There likely been pirates since man first filled a sail with
wind.  Among that crew in bygone days were the Vikings of
Scandinavia, and Arab pirates sailing from North Africa.
     Look sharp, now: pirates be not the same as privateers. 
Privateers be pirates who act piratical enough, but sail under
the flag of another nation to ply their trade in times of war. 
Twas just such a seadog, Jean Lafitte, who traded the Jolly
Roger for the Stars and Stripes during the War of 1812.
     Though piratin' be outlawed as of the mid-19th century,
tis done nothing to dampen the spirit of the pirates.  They
figure in stories for children written by the like of James
Barrie ("Peter Pan") and Robert Louis Stevenson ("Treasure
Island").  But tis motion pictures and television that spread
the pirate's fame.  There be two film versions of "Treasure
Island" that did most to fly the pirate's flag: the British
film of 1934 and the Disney film of 1950, featurin' Wallace
Beerey and Robert Newton, respectively, as the old salt Long
John Silver.  There be duels on the Internet as to which be
the more definitive Silver.  Even now that landlubbin' Johnny
Depp made his mark in a pirate movie that was inspired by a
Disneyland ride ... and I've vowed by the ghost of Blackbeard
himself to keelhaul the scurvy scum who wrote that song "A
Pirate's Life For Me."  The sainted voice actor, Paul Frees,
did speak in pirate when voicin' a talking cat in ye film
version of "The Last Unicorn."  There even be a computer mouse
in the likeness of old Jolly Roger himself.
     So it be no surprise that a couple of landlubbers, John
Barr and Mark Summers, took the fancy one day to go about
speakin' as Beerey and Newton did, peppering their sentences
with "Arrrr!" and "Shiver me timbers!" and such rot.  They
choose September 19, the birthday of one of their ex-wives, as
Talk Like A Pirate Day.  It grew like a plague, though, once
the weather-beaten scoundrel of a writer (and ALL writers be
weather-beaten scoundrels!) Dave Barry wrote about it for the
newspapers.  Tis been a pestilence ever since, especially on
Ye Internet.
     So tis no surprise that Madam Rosie should cast off
within the pirate idiom.  Sad to say, there be no more than
two pirates in the whole story, and Sally and Bunnie be not
all that piratical throughout.  Where be the pirate's pride? 
Where be the swagger?  I know they can't be showing them
swingin' cutlasses because this be a kiddie book.  
     The same be holdin' true for ye Blue Knight, whose acting
tis not true to the breed.  We need sail no further from shore
on this point; tis all window-dressing and play-acting and
pretty curtains as she spins her yarn.  Tis the equivalent of
that curse of the Internet, ye crossover fanfic.
     But only a heartless cur would fault a yarn that betrays
its own foolishness in the end.  If it be a story for the
little ones, then let the little ones hail it or send it to
Davey Jones's locker, says I.
     EYE: Ye can ask for no finer navigator than Art
Mawhinney.  His drawings be true and sure.  My one cavil be
with the "bald parrot," who bears more than a passing likeness
to Beaky Buzzard from ye old Warner Brothers cartoons.
     HEART: Said I before and say I again, twould be cruel to 
consign this speck of a tale to the briny deep.  So I be
lettin' it sail away under its own flag.  There be better
targets to turn cannons upon in two fortnights when the comic
sails again.  'Til then, I be off to the Caribbean for some
much-needed R and arrrrr!