I don't know about you guys, but I've heard enough flames on
"Endgame" to burn down New York!
It's time something was done...
That something is
The Rollercoaster Ride of Your Life...with more twists and turns
than a straight road!
If you want to laugh, read on. If you don't, then I guess you
shouldn't read on. :)
A satire on the "Endgame" idea by Ken Penders
Written by a red echidna of
HTML translation by Daniel J. Drazen
Our story begins in the Not-Whole Medical Center where our
main group of Freedom Fighters has just received the terrible
news of their dear Princess and leader SONY's death.
TALES THE FOX
Waaaaaaaaaah! Princess Sony is gone! And it's all Tonic the
RUMOR THE WALRUS
I saw it and I still don't believe it, Tales...I just wonder how
he got rid of his backpack so quick, and why his new cologne
smells like catnip....
It's all so sudden....
Haven't y'all been keepin' up with the stuff bein' spread all
over the Net, sugahs? Ah'da figured Sony's passin' on wouldn't
be a surprise to ANYONE by now...
As the group unknowingly reveals the plot for this story, a
cobalt blue hedgehog makes his way into the Center.
TONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Hey guys, I couldn't help but notice you left in a hurry without
me...and that you're all standing around the Waiting Room in the
Medical Center...and Sony's not with you...what's up?
Suddenly, a skunk sporting a really bad Australian accent
bursts into the room!
JOEY ST. JERK
Tonic the Hedgehog, I have orders to arrest you for the death of
our dear Princess Sony!
ST. JERK promptly places handcuffs around Tonic's wrists.
TONIC is interrupted by a human in a business suit who somehow
shows up out of nowhere.
I'm afraid I can't allow you to show emotion in this manner,
AUNT TWAN THE FOX
And why would zat be being?
Sorry, a cool character like Tonic must only do cool things.
Showing he cares for someone is not cool.
AUNT TWAN THE FOX
But I was always to theenking zat ze character who show-ed
emotion zeemed to be ze more realistic character.
Uhm...yes, well...uhh...you're wrong. No more tears. Good
The SEGA REP walks out the door and off to wherever SEGA REPs
END O' PART 1
We see TONIC racing away from an airplane wreck. He is being
followed by JOEY ST. JERK who manages to keep up fairly well
Oh boy! In this part I get to act totally out of character while
ripping off a feature film!
You won't escape me, hedgehog!
TONIC comes to a huge waterfall with JOEY ST. JERK close
behind. TONIC is faced with the decision to either turn himself
in and be sent to prison, or to jump off the edge of the falls
and die. Naturally, he jumps.
I hope our budget covers this sceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene....
D'oh! He jumped.... Oh well, I'll at least be able to get home
in time for supper.
TONIC falls toward certain death, but quickly gets an
I know: I'll make a combination air freshener AND power
No...not that idea....
Oh! Right! Uhmm...maybe if I move quick enough, I'll be able to
tiptoe over the mist droplets rising from the bottom of the
TONIC tries out his idea and surprise, surprise, pulls it off
and is able to get to safety.
Awww no! He's alive! I guess this means I gotta go after
TONIC makes his way to the ledge of a cliff and is helped up
by a familiar hand.
Dullsea! Fancy meeting you here!
DULLSEA THE DRAGON
A dragon can sense when one is a fugitive from justice, Tonic.
Well, as long as you're here, can you possibly give me a ride to
the Floating Island so I can at least get away from LePew over
Sure thing, Tonic.
With that, TONIC and DULLSEA set off for the Floating
That's it! I give up!
You can't give up.
But they're going to the Floating Island, and I have no way of
I'll write a jet into the story.
A big jet?
Well...as long as it's big...and purple.
END O' PART 2
On the Floating Island, two figures watch TONIC and ST. JERK
near their lofty homeworld....
NAGE THE CHAMELELON
Hey, Elbows, isn't that Tonic the Hedgehog, the guy who drove
Robuttnik out of here twice, helped you stop half a Chaos Emerald
from blowing the island to bits, and joined us when we fought
against Mammoth Mogul?
ELBOWS THE ECHINDA
The same guy who once revealed he was a close friend of Mighty's,
one of your best friends as well?
The same Sonic who you aided several times over?
Yeah...watch me knock him out with one punch.
When DULLSEA comes in for a landing, ELBOWS is quick to
deliver a punch that knocks her down and out.
Hey, dreadhead! What's the big idea!?
Before ELBOWS can reply, JOEY ST. JERK comes in for a
Elbows (whose name I know somehow), I order you to take Tonic
Don't listen to him, Elbows!
Uhhhhhhh...perhaps this story should go elsewhere for the
Good idea! Ahem...
Let's head over to Not-Whole again, and peek in on a certain
AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!! Let me shower in peace!!!
Err...oops...wrong hut...oh, here's the one! We find a black
cat and a white/blue wolf adding more pieces to this puzzle...a
puzzle that, when put together, becomes a photo of cute n'
NESTLE' THE CAT
Booo hooo! You mean I was the one who killed Princess Sony?
DORKO THE WOLF
Yep, and all thanks to this special mask!
DORKO holds out a mask that is the spitting image of TONIC's
head. NESTLE' puts it on and screams.
Oh no!! It makes everyone look like Dennis Rodman!!!!
END O' PART 3
We go back to the Floating Island once again, where ELBOWS is
trying to decide who to join up with.
Elbows, this guy killed Princess Sony! I order you to take him
What?! Noooo!!! Nage, help me destroy Tonic!
Uh...will do, El.
DULLSEA suddenly comes out of her coma and stomps into the
center of the group with an outraged look on her face.
Enough! I have only one thing to say...FREE NACHOS IN NOT-WHOLE!!!!
Everyone lets out a rousing cheer and starts for the
Oh no! Everyone has been captured! You guys go rescue them, and
I'll go after Robuttnik once and for all!
As TONIC speeds off for Robot-World-Land, ELBOWS and ST. JERK
somehow manage to free the Freedom Fighters. Even though it was
a great victory for the team, ST. JERK is disappointed that he
didn't get any nachos.
TONIC bursts into ROBUTTNIK's HQ.
OK, Robo! You're going down!!
Ha! Come and get me, Tonic!
Suddenly, the art changes!
Oh, yes...I forgot to mention that the artist and writer change
throughout this part.
The art changes many times over, and ROBUTTNIK begins looking
less than healthy
Ooooooog...I don't feel so good.
ROBUTTNIK falls to the ground, defeated at last...we
TONIC returns home and, with an army of SEGA REPs looking over
his shoulder, revives PRINCESS SONY with a short kiss type
ELBOWS returns to his Island, only to find that the Chaotix have
toilet papered everything.
NESTLE' is freed from DORKO and celebrates the moments of her
DENNIS RODMAN gets his own TV show.
DORKO is sent to the Devil's Gulag. He's back on the streets in
And what of SNIVELY, you ask. What will his next move be? Does
anyone care? Is this really the end?