First, a word from the competition: FREEDOM. Anyone who reads comics on a regular basis owes it to themselves to do whatever they can to purchase, backorder, or otherwise obtain (preferably through legal means) a copy of The Simpsons #39. Why am I plugging someone else's comic? Because the story, "Sense and Censorability," is a typical example of Simpsons absurdity, which means there's more than a kernal of truth in the account of how Homer and the proprietor of Springfield's comic store, The Android's Dungeon, get busted by the police for selling an "obscene" comic book. One of the (dis)advantages of being one of the old coots amongst Sonic fans is having a memory that goes back far enough to remember when at least one comic store proprietor in Illinois was arrested by the locals for the crime of selling "Omaha The Cat Dancer." As Matt Groening points out, a lot of the seemingly incredible things mentioned in the course of the story have happened after a fashion in Real Life, and have been documented by _Comics Journal_ and fought in the courts with the help of the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. The CBLDF is dedicated to letting Americans rot their brains with comic books without being afraid of violating some obscure ordinance or other. If you want to check them out, Ken Penders has a link to them on his Web site, and I have one at the end of the Princess Sally Cybershrine (as an "in lieu of flowers" feature). This is one righteous group of RL freedom fighters that deserves our support, people. So anyway: Sonic #67 [Feb 1999] Spaz/Harvo/Ray cover. It's got Sonic twice (once doing the creepy eye thing), Tails twice, Nate Morgan, a couple Robians, the Winged Victory, a giant cobra, several heavy-handed references to a particular movie from 1981, and not much point. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" Director: Steven Spielberg; Producer: Frank Marshall; Screenplay: Lawrence Kasden; Story: George Lucas and Philip Kaufman; Cinematography: Douglas Slocombe; Art Direction: Norman Reynolds and Leslie Dilley; Set Decoration: Michael Ford; Visual Effects: Richard Edlund, Kit West, Bruce Nicholson and Joe Johnson; Sound: Bill Varney, Steve Maslow, Gregg Landaker and Roy Charman; Editor: Michael Kahn; Music: John Williams. "Hello, Karl Bollers here. Oh, hi Fred. Yeah, I know, you still need something for the February issue. Here's what Steve Butler and I have been kicking around: Why not do a "Raiders of the Lost Ark" knockoff? Of COURSE the kids in the audience will get it--it's only been shown on cable a million times! Hey, I can do a 16-page riff on that no sweat. Yeah, I know what we need: snakes, a bullwhip, leather jacket and hat for Sonic. Not enough, huh? What the heck, I'll throw in a lava pit from the second movie. What? Nah, I'll leave Tails back in the plane, we don't want to put him in danger. Still sounds pretty thin, huh? OK, I'll throw in some Robians trying to kill off Sonic where the local natives were trying to kill off Harrison Ford in the original. How should I know why they want to kill off Sonic? The Robians in the Sandblast City arc didn't have any clear motivation, either. So let me get started on a rough treatment--it won't take that long. Yeah, same here, Fred. 'Bye." While the preceeding may not have been a direct transcript of Karl Bollers phoning in this month's story, I like to think it captures the feel of it. This narrative exercise (which may be a poor choice of words since "exercise" implies that someone worked up a sweat at some point) follows the opening of "Raiders" so slavishly there's really no need to summarize the plot. What follows, then, are a series of random observations: * It was nice to see Ken Penders's map of Mobius from "Brave New World" being used to track the meanderings of Sonic and Tails during the previous year. It's a start at codifying the reality of Mobius and a welcome change of pace from Making It Up As We Go. In fact, here's the official itinerary for THE SONIC AND TAILS "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS...ADVENTURE!" TOUR [bracketed names correspond as closely as possible to Earth counterparts]: January: Knothole February: The Kingdom of Mercia [Great Britain] March: Portal to Horizont-Al/Vertic-Al's Zone [formerly the Mediterranean basin] April: The Dragon Kingdom [Himalayan frontier between China and India] May: Downunda [Australia] June-July: Sandblast City [Galapagos Island] August-October: To Be Announced [Antarctica] November: Great Rainforest [Surinam or Guyana] December: Knothole--Thank the Ancient Walkers! * Not only does nothing happen for the first three pages (other than Sonic looking through a pair of binoculars) but those three pages are followed by two pages of flashback summarizing the previous story arc. Considering he's supposed to be "the fastest thing alive," Sonic's been having a hard time getting narrative traction lately. * Speaking of not getting anywhere, the whole point of this layover is to refuel the plane using some Ring that Nate Morgan had stashed in the Temple of Shazamazon [which sounds like it was discovered either by Captain Marvel or by Gomer Pyle]. Maybe if Nate still had enough juice left in that eyepiece ring he used to k-zorcht Naugus in the last issue, this trip might not have been necessary. * "Space." Karl Bollers "Like we didn't know." Franklin Ajaye * The "T-SAT unit [is] back online." So we now have B-O-T spelled out. Anyone want to guess the complete sequence? How about: "B-O-T-N-I-K M-O-U-S-E"? * I may have been a little hard on Karl Bollers in the beginning of this review for coming up with so derivative a plotline, but if Karl were here I'd be willing to bet that he'd say that doing this kind of story isn't any easier than coming up with something original. And I wouldn't be surprised. After all, it was C. S. Lewis who (in one of his letters) referred to the kind of academic plagiarism that involves massive copying from the work of others as "galley-slave labor." * Sonic is looking rather pleased with himself at various points of the story. Savor those moments, fans; this may be as emotional as Sega will allow him to get. * No, I don't know why the Robians tried to attack Sonic. To tell you the truth, by the time I'd gotten that far into the story I'd simply stopped caring. I didn't care about the Robians, I didn't care about the giant snake, I didn't care about any of Nate Morgan's exposition. And I stopped caring about the business with the satellites four issues ago. By the time I hit the Find Your Name In Print Page (favorite name: "Kitty Maus"), I just wanted this...thing...to be over with. Know Your Heroes: if you were to ask me about "the Comet" I'd tell you it works good for cleaning porcelein but that I prefer Bar Keepers Friend(tm) for cleaning metal sinks and fixtures [note: this does not constitute an endorsement of either household cleanser]. Fan Art: Now THIS is more like it: the old gang back together in some excellent artwork by Valentino and Harvo. The actual fan art is good, too. "Tales of the Freedom Fighters presents: "Lupe and the Wolf Pack: Part 1 "Shadows In The Dark" Story: Ken Penders; Art: Sam Maxwell; Ink: Ken Penders; Color: Frank Gagliardo and Ken Penders; Lettering: J. P. Money; Editorial: G- Force. Ken Penders recently made clear on one of the lists that Sega has dictated that Sonic and Sally aren't going to get married, or get engaged, or even date. Not unless it's in some alternate universe. So aside from Page 40 in Sonic #50: The Director's Cut, don't expect Sonic to even get to first base with Sally, not no way, not no how! Yeah, I think it sucks too, but in this case wedding bells aren't what's breaking up that old gang of theirs. Sally arrives at Lupe's quarters just as she and the rest of the pack are, well, packing. With Robotnik out of the picture, they have no reason to stay in Mobitropolis. As they walk off into a photographed sunset, who should make an appearance after too long an absence but Bunnie. One look at the way she's drawn by Maxwell, though, and you'll understand why she's been keeping out of sight. I've heard of flair legged jeans, but flair legs? Bunnie wants to make sure that Knothole would be a good place to hold the Welcome Home Reception/Birthday Party for Sonic scheduled for issue #68. I have to wonder about that myself since we haven't heard anything about the place since #60 when King Max designated Knothole as a Robian ghetto as part of his policy of benign apartheid. Anyway, not a whole lot happens in this story, plot-wise. We do get a recap as to how Lupe met the Freedom Fighters, and it doesn't do any fundamental damage to the plot of the "Cry Of The Wolf" ep from the second SatAM season. In one caption, Sally is described by Lupe as being "every bit as tough [and] as vulnerable as she looked." That's a good description of her and (in hindsight) a good argument against killing her off in "Endgame," despite the missing conjunction. This being the development phase of the story, we also learn a lot we hadn't known before about Lupe and the pack. Like the fact that she was MWC (Married With Cubs) when the Great War happened and that her mate Lobo (probably a VERY common name among wolves) got them out of harm's way. Ken doesn't mention any kind of segue from the Great War to Robotnik's reign of terror wherein Lupe's father was captured by Fat Boy (THAT was mentioned in passing in "Cry Of The Wolf"). So it's unclear whether the photo montage backdrop on the center panel of Page 4 is supposed to represent the Great War or the guerrilla war against Robotnik or both or neither. I'm unclear myself as to whether I like the technique. Maxwell's use of a photo background wasn't too out of place at the top of page 3 (where it was almost unnoticeable) but its use on page 4 is a little too jarring because the difference between the photorealism of the background and the cartoon rendering of the wolves is so great. I'm taking a wait-and-see approach for the time being. The pack reaches what was supposed to be the Great Canyon but find that it's more like a Great Lake instead. Actually, according to the map, it appears to be the Mississippi River, version 2.0 at least. This impression is supported as the pack approaches the far shore and what appears to be the remnants of St. Louis, Missouri (note the Gateway Arch). Maybe Busch Gardens is still open and the pack can get jobs as walkaround characters. Sonic-Grams: From the Old Soldiers Never Die Dept.: Just when I thought Gallagher and Manak had moved on to other venues and other projects, the duo who once defined the Sonic comics returns with "Off Panel," a comic strip lead-in to Freddie's column. Sherman, set the Wayback(tm) to Sonic #36: that's when J.F. took over the editorial chores and retooled the comic strip that was running at the time. He refocused it on Sonic and away from Scott Fulop (who occupied the editorial hot seat before him) and his water cooler style of humor. In this initial outing, G&M resist the temptation to backslide, and Manak's technique has clearly undergone some development. The bad news is, Manak's figured out how to use the dreaded lens flare feature in PhotoShop. Speaking of undergoing development, Freddie's column has to do with the comic itself, and various "cosmetic changes." That's no big deal, except that Fred's copy sounds like a slightly rewritten version of a proposal from the boys in Marketing: "All of them will feature their individual head icons underneath the price box on the covers. This will help give the Sonic comics an overall identity different from all other comic books on the market today." There's also a paragraph about SegaCon did anybody get to that? And we even get some letters this time, mostly about Sonic #61's "Outback Gut Check." I've already stated how *I* feel about the Tails-Barby relationship; all it needs is Simon and Garfunkle singing "Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson" in the background. We only get blurbs for two comics this time, despite the fact that we're a month away from the next Super Special with its Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Sally cover story. Maybe after hyping the Image crossover special to the extent that they did, Archie Comics decided to let the P.R. machinery cool down. So we have coming attractions for Sonic #68 (wherein Sonic hits his sweet 16th and he trades in his leather hat and jacket from this issue for an armful of what Sega would consider to be politically incorrect fur) and Knuckles #21 (wherein Pseudo- Tobor/Moritori Rex comes out of the closet and gets in Knuckles' face, and we learn whether Sally will have to buy a Mother's Day card next year). And a "bonus" "unused" cover for Sonic #14. Let me guess: was it "unused" because it had nothing to do with the cover story, "Tails' Taste of Power"? Oh, yeah, that didn't stop them back then, did it?