Very Punny!
For those of you who are interested, here's my growing list of puns and quasi-puns, along with some links to other pun-pages:
www.geocities.com/Heartland/Lane/6856/pun.html
http://www.duke.edu/~saw1/stories.html
http://www.macscouter.com/Stories/BadPuns-1.html
http://www.cis.upenn.edu/~udani/humor/puns.html
http://www.geocities.com/Broadway/2274/punpre.html
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/7414/Puns.html
http://web2.airmail.net/marks/puns.htm

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his ! dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Treee. "Ees" "Ees" "Ees... a.... Ham bush"

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... "Hair Spray --Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

This just in from Mac Fulghum. I know you've seen some of them before, but there are some good new ones. Wordsmiths should find this a peeling: Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A backward poet writes inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu--the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating--always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with you debt if you can't budge it. Local Are Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted--'taint yours and 'taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan. Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket. One morning, Patty could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning. >From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect. The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner. No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect. Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened. "This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!

Some time ago you may have heard of the math instructor who was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a compass, a T-square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. And now the rest of the story. "Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isoceles used to say, 'there are three sides to every triangle,'" Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am grateful the government has given us a sine that is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to dis-integrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and then draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our great leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

Not many people know that Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old- fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes. As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

Prime Minister Tony Blair visits an Edinburgh, Scotland hospital accompanied by a doctor. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies: "Fair fa! Your honest sonsie face, great Chieftain o'the pudden' race. Aboon them a' ye' tak' your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, as lang's my airm." Tony is confused, so he just forces a smile and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, and some nae meat that want it. Bud we hae meat and we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee steekit, cowerin', timorous beasty, thou needna' start awa' sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle." Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?" "No," replies the doctor. "The serious Burns unit!" (from Family Tree, a publication of the Ellen Payne Odem Genelogy Library volume XIII, August/September 2003, no. 4, page 24.)

Overweight is something that sort of snacks up on you.

A livestock truck overturned in my town. The TV reporter stated, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby woods. After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."

Some English system conversion puns:--Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi -2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton -1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope -Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond -Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram -Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong -365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year -16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling -Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon -1000 aches: 1 megahurtz -Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower -Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment) -453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake -1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone -1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles -365.25 days: 1 unicycle -2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....) -10 cards: 1 decacards -1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton -1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen -1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche -1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin -10 rations: 1 decoration -100 rations: 1 C-ration -2 monograms: 1 diagram -8 nickels: 2 paradigms -2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf. Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face. Mother vampire to son: Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots. What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi. What are a vampire's favorite snacks? Adam's apples and nectarines. What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time? I'd like to get to gnaw you. What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? "You're under a vest!" What did the bat say to the witch's hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? Put your boos and shocks on. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? "Don't spook until you're spooken to." What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire? "You are driving me batty." What do baseball players do on Halloween? They practice pitchcraft. What do ghouls order at McMonsters? Handburgers. What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk.

A man went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail," the man replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle."

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn..... and into the hole he gooooes."

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

The Administrator of a hospital was very worried. In just one week's time, a great number of patients had come down with skin infections and food poisoning from undercooked meat. So he called an emergency conference of all his medical and kitchen personnel. His memo to them was headlined: Staph Meating!

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

How Do You Catch A Unique bird? Unique Up On It.

MY RESUME My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

Timmy was a five year old boy. His mother loved him very much. A worrier, she was concerned when he started kindergarten about his walking to school. She walked him to school for a couple of days, but one day he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the "big boys." She had an idea how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, to follow her son surreptitiously to school, at a distance that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl Marcy set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with another boy. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend noticed that a lady was following them every day all week. Finally, he asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." "Well, who is she?" "That's Shirley Goodnest," Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she, and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm 'cuz she worries about me so much. And the psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?" I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" "I don't know senor, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Mexican Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, senor." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Senor, no Mexican Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no "Mexican Jews." "Senor, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews

A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand.The barkeep looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. "Tiny" replies the man. "Why's that?" asks the barkeep. "Because he's my newt!"

A teacher was arrested when he tried to board an airplane. From his carry on luggage, authorities removed a slide rule, a protractor, and a calculator. He was charged with possession of weapons of math instruction.

President Bush turned 57 on Sunday. He sliced his cake in the usual fashion. The wealthiest people in the room got the biggest cuts. (Alan Ray)

"We'll have a hamburger and a Veggie Burger, please." "Two burgers, one regular, one de-calf!"

One day, some guys were doing a "boxers or briefs" survey. They went to a 25 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? He said briefs. They went to a 40 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? He said boxers. Then they went up to a 80 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? And the old man replied, "Depends?"

What is the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic.

A blind psychic in Germany claims he can tell people's future by feeling their naked buttocks. I believe this is called 'asstrology. (Jay Leno)

In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.

It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has watched Wall Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices. (Daily Groaner)

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to Church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced. "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her. "No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Inferiority complex: a conviction by a jury of your fears.

Even if you don't like dogs you got to like this one. Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent, sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular, black Lab speaks up and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever" She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my" said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you little dog?" Big in fame and finesse, it is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink and turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone.Cheese mine."

Two brooms were going to get married, before the ceremony, the bride broom said to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk broom." The groom broom said to the bride broom, "How can that be possible? we haven't even swept together!"'

Earthquake predictors are faultfinders.

Once upon a time there was a king in Lapland called Rudolph. He had bright ginger hair so his people called him Rudolph the Red. Now Rudolph the Red was bad-tempered and argued a lot. He gave his poor wife, Gertrude the Green, a terrible time. No matter what she said he had to argue. One winter's day Gertrude the Green looked out of the palace window and said, 'Oh dear, it's snowing again. You'll have to clear the footpath before mother comes to tea.' 'Humph!' Rudolph the Red grunted. He didn't fancy shifting snow and he didn't want Gertrude the Green's mother coming to tea. 'That's not snow. It's rain!' he argued. 'But it's white and fluffy and drifting,' Gertrude the Green tried to tell him. Rudolph the Red hid behind his newspaper and snapped, 'It's rain!' Gertrude the Green became quite angry. 'Gertrude the Green knows snow, darling!' 'Yes,' retorted her husband. 'And Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!' 'What a great title for a song!' Gertrude the Green exclaimed.

You heard about the Buddist who refused novicaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

One of the most successful inventors of all time was the guy who invented the hay-bailing machine... Obviously, he made a bundle!

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

A patient tells his psychiatrist, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." The shrink replies, "Come now, pull yourself together."

It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices.

A minister was walking in front of his church when he heard his five-year old son and playmates 'round back. He walked back there and noticed the boys had found a dead bird. Feeling a proper burial was in order, they had secured a small box and some cotton batting, then dug a whole, and were now standing around the "grave." The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, of course. With sonorous dignity the little boy intoned HIS version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory to be unto the Father, and unto the Son . . . and into de hole he goes!"

This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back. "What the heck are you?" asks the host. "I'm a snail," says the guy. "But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host. "Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull. He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"

Life On The Computer...
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note;
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights,
Now they all mean different things
And that really means mega bytes.
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And if you had a 3-in. floppy,
You hoped nobody found it out.
Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue,
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory that's in my head;
I hear nobody gets killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens, they wish they were dead.

A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of sirloin hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman about it and the barman replies, "It's a competition. If you can jump high enough to get the meat down you get dinner on the house. But if you miss you have to buy a round for the whole bar." The guy thinks about it and says, "No, I don't think so... the steaks are too high!'

Once upon a time, there was a talking snake named Nate. Nate lived in the forest, under a big boulder that had a lever sticking out of it. One day, Nate received a visit from a talent scout from a circus. The scout had heard about Nate because Nate could talk. The talent scout asked Nate to join the circus. Nate was delighted, and he accepted. First, though, the talent scout asked him: "What is the lever for?" Nate responded: "If you touch the lever, you blow up the world." So Nate went off with the scout, and he stayed with the circus for a few weeks. He became homesick after that time, but he couldn't get out of his contract. So one night, as everyone else slept, he slithered away and headed back toward his home under the boulder. The talent scout woke up and realized Nate was gone. He climbed in his car and sped away in the direction of the boulder. As he drove down the highway at 100 mph, he saw Nate crossing the road toward his home. The talent scout was going too fast to stop, so he had to make a decision: hit Nate and kill him, or hit the lever and blow up the world. What do you think he did? He hit Nate. Know why? Because better Nate than lever.

An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

(Sort of a pun) Well, despite the fact that AOL Time Warner has lost over half of its value and threw out their CEO, Gerald Levin, it hasn't stopped other companies from talking about doing mega-merger deals. For instance, did you hear that Yahoo, in a 5-1 stock split, plus some capital from Microsoft, is planning on taking over Disney, Data General, and United Health Care? Yep. The new company will be called: Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracuz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as... Sinko de Mayo

An elephant was drinking out of a pond one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he strolled over and flicked it clear out of sight with his trunk. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing aardvark. "Because I recognized it... It's the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" exclaimed the aardvark. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says... It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave".

Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the couple of days, but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys." He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know who she is." The little friend said, "Well who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy said. "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life." so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Ribbit, a frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

Dieting: A way to make the ends justify the jeans.

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. What do you think that means?" "That means we're Pisscopalians."

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

(perhaps this one repeats below?) These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

This riddle concerns three elderly ladies, a large bottle of Jack Daniel's (Black Label), and a baseball game. You get to be a detective!!! Here goes.... The three ladies went to their first baseball game. This was something that was an occasion of great excitement to them. To add to the excitement, they smuggled a bottle of booze into the game, and started immediately to enhance the soft drinks they bought. It was a good game. There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action in the stands. All too soon, long before the game was over, the bottle was nearly empty. By now, you should have enough information to be able to tell how far along the game is, and what the status of the game is, namely, the inning and how many runners are on base. Have you figured it out yet? It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the local parish priest if he would be interested in their service... He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the priest said and as he started to hand them the check a small raincloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the parish area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the church the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in absolute amazement, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.

A bike rests on its leg because it is too tyred.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Mrs Smith's third grade class was to use the word Rotterdam in a sentence. Little Jimmy hops up and says "if my sister doesn't quit eating so much candy she will Rotterdam teeth out."

Dear Grandson: I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer. Love, Grandma P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

A guy goes into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar. ... The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay, you can come in... but just don't start anything"!...

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm... but is this stool taken?"

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3. The neighbours noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough; and when Wayne went to playgroup, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers. One neighbour thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the kid's mother why they were so insepArable even though they had nothing in common. Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: where there's a Will there's a Wayne.

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "I have turtle recall."

Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola were two fine young Catholic boys whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year that Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. They both became priests. Their careers amazed the world, but it was acknowledged that Antonio was a cut above Timothy. Their rise thru the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, Timothy or Antonio would be the next Pope. In time the Pope did die. In less time than anyone had expected, the College of Cardinals had chosen the new Pope. The world was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope. Antonio was devastated. He knew he was better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?" After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

A string walks into a bar and the bartender says " We don't serve your kind around here, so you'll just have to leave." So the string walks out of the bar and sees two young ladies walking down the street and asked one to tie him in a knot and the other to kinda fluff him out a little with her comb. After thanking the ladies the string goes back in, sits down at the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says " Aren't you the same string I just told to leave?" And he replied "No, I'm a frayed knot."

While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far back as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables and the hard and woody horseradish was a household staple. While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish, there is a story told about one family while gathering up their few belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house. The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger root by mistake. The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the promised land. But it was another year before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest of the Israelites. When asked where they had been, the matriarch of the family, who had now grown old, shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Anybody who has ever gone deep-sea fishing knows how strenuous that sport can be. Once you've hooked one of those big fish, you can be fighting the sucker for hours. Occasionally, you'll lose your concentration in the struggle. A man went down to Florida and hired a fishing boat to take him out fishing for marlin. Sure enough, he hooked a big one and the two began fighting each other for hours. Suddenly, the marlin gave a tug on the line, jerking the man so powerfully that his billfold flew right out of his shirt pocket and into the ocean. Incredibly, his billfold was caught by a fish swimming on the surface, and the fish, in a playful mood, tossed it to one of his companions. They continued to toss the billfold back and forth in an amazing display of piscatorial dexterity. In fact, this was the first instance of carp-to-carp walleting.

Our neighbor Leo came home with a birdhouse one day. My husband kidded him, asking him how many birds could afford accommodations in our suburban neighborhood. "Leave that to me," Leo replied. Soon the birdhouse was dangling from a tree, with a neat sign that read,"Room for wren---cheep."

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." So they flew down to the ground and found a nice plate of a newly plowed field that was just full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'till they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "Okay, "said the first. So they plopped down, basking in the sun. Soon they were drifting off into slumber. But, no sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... "I just love baskin' robbins."

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound whenever he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, buying the paint and....yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack far off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! Go, and thin no more!"

The neighboring woods were being invaded by wolves and the mother skunk and her family fled for shelter. But as the howling of the wolves came closer she finally decided to make a last stand. "Let us form a circle, dear children," she called out, "and spray."

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing....... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden msaw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.

The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." "This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, ... "That was the Clone Arranger"

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused. told me I was crazy, but last week, he finally went. Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, . . ."I stand corrected."

The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly." he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills."

A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father. "No," says the boy. "Are you resisting arrest?" he asks. The boy hesitates before he says, "No,... I'm not sleepy yet."

You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people grind the lenses? The other day I was watching one of those guys through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder. He made a spectacle of himself.

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patricks Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".

A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques. They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if you were catapulted from a boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in hopes that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name his "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know For Whom The Tells Bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a Little Patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with Transporting Gulls Across Sedate Lions For Immortal Porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, With Fronds Like These, Who Needs Enemas?"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather everyday. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.The chief shrugged and said, "The Thong Is Ended, But The Malady Lingers On."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I Must Have Taken Leif Off My Census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the Squaw Of The Hippopotamus Is Equal To The Sons Of The Squaws Of The Other Two Hides.

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP....BUMP.... behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him .... BUMP ..... BUMP ...... BUMP ..... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him ... faster .... faster .... BUMP .... BUMP ..... BUMP ....... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with its lid clapping.....clappity-BUMP ....... clappity-BUMP .......clappity-BUMP ..... on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something- -anything--but all he can find is a box of cough drops!! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the casket ......... and of course .............. the coffin stops!!!!!

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh, I am sooo sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies .............." Just the ones that catch my eye!"

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment. However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through. When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him. Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect. Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do). Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldn't resist the temptation. For his decision, in full, was: "A NICHE IN TIME SAVES STEIN." (By Isaac Asimov)

The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit." Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts. He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date. Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK.

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."

Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you, ... You should never book a miffed Norse in the south.

This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To my horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of Angastora and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the bottles be removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He refused stating, "You have to take the bitters with the suite."

Yesterday, I watched Norm put his wife in a box and truck her to the Post Office. That's right, I saw Norman Mailer.

"Can Rex Reed?"
"Yes, but Emmanuel Kant."

"Did William Tell?"
"No, but Edgar Guest."

Would Gary Player?
No, but Tiger Wood.

Movie of the Week:

Peter O'Toole as a developer building low-cost housing for the Saudis. "Low Rents of Arabia".

AUTHORS

"Unemployed" ... By Anita Job.

"The Sword in History" ... By Ray Pierre

Last Night Of Freedom ... By Marion Tomorrow

"Grave Mistakes" ... By Paul Bearer

"Your Future" .... By Horace Cope

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum Blownapart.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

On her 95th birthday, my fianc� introduced me to his grandmother, Gladys Attwood. Her eyes twinkled, as I pulled up a chair to sit beside her, just as one of her three daughters prepared a video for us all to enjoy. Helen explained that the video was a compilation of the three television commercials that Gladys starred in the year before for a local car wash. Larry Dahl, owner of the Wash n'Well Car Wash had telephoned the minimal care facility where Gladys resided to see if there was a "spunky old lady" there with the charisma to pull off what he had in mind. Marge Siegfried, co-manager at the Royal Oaks Retirement Home, didn't think twice. They had "just the right person!""Just give me the works, Sonny!" she'd say as she pulled up to the attendant. Out of the car, she'd race around with her cane (the film was accelerated), kicking the tires and tapping the attendants, as they scrubbed and buffed and shined. At the end she'd exclaim, "Well, I sure gave those boys the works!" and she'd smile and wink, the wink that won her recognition all over the town of Medford, Oregon. How she laughed when the video was over! Once the crowd of family members around us thinned, and the flood of compliments slowed, I found myself listening intently to Gladys. A breast cancer survivor, she was active in the American Cancer Society's local cancer support group. "You know the young people that have had cancer, if they can see that you can have it and live to be 95, it does something for them," she said. Our conversation continued and soon she shared her thoughts on the latest happenings in politics and world affairs. I was taken aback with the acute sharpness of this former champion college basketball player and teacher's mind whose knowledge and complex thought processes of current affairs put me to shame. It wasn't long before I was left far behind in awe. Partly in an effort to save myself and partly because I was so amazed, I asked, "Tell me, Grandma, how ever did you manage to grow so old yet stay so young?" Gladys leaned her warm, wrinkled face in closer to mine, her gray eyes shining behind her metal-framed glasses. "I'll tell you, Diane. A long time ago, a nurse told me that if you laugh a lot, you live longer, so...I laugh a lot...and my four boyfriends keep me going!" "Your four boyfriends?!?"I exclaimed."Haven't I told you? Well...every morning I get up with Will Power. Then I go for a walk with Arthur Itis. I come home with Charlie Horse. Then I go to bed with my favorite...Ben Gay."

Where do devils get their tails repaired? At liquor stores where they retain spirits.

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, ... "Tacks evasion."

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.It is known, of course as ....... Sinko de Mayo

Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally. Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem: "Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

1. Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.
2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.
3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
4. W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
5. 3M & Goodyear: mmmGood
6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine
9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera
10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants
11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW!
12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da
13. Netscape & Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo

I spent one summer selling encyclopedias door to door. It was a highly profitable summer, but it got off to a slow start. Try as hard as I might, I couldn't get anyone to buy a set from me. As soon as someone heard the word, encyclopedia, I got a door in the face. Things went along like this for a couple of weeks and I was getting pretty discouraged until one day I had a fortunate accident. I was an English major in college, and considered myself something of a poet. I started my sales pitch as one door early one morning, and by accident I found myself reciting the lines of my sales talk as though it were poetry. To my amazement I was invited in and the woman bought the whole set. I tried it again at the next door with identical results. That night I went home and put my whole sales canvass into poetry because I had learned that a pitch in rhyme sells fine.

Did I ask you about my pot bellied pig? Yeah, last week it lost its voice. Man, was it disgruntled.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee from a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country -- rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and contacted the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend! The sheriff looked at the bears and, without batting an eye, leveled took his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer. "I said he was in the other one!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "But why should I believe a lawyer who said that the Czech was in the male?"

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day -- when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "But his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet

Part Two . . . The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" The first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, . . . "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a... "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf. He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst. After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain. He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN. They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other. During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night. "See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?" To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed. "How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk. He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!) After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor. "Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but TV Impact--This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Q:What does a dyslectic, agnostic insomniac do?
A:Lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Larry Hill and his new wife, Beth, were vacationing on a small Carribian Island. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late, and raining very hard. Larry could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Larry attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Larry shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Larry knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Larry carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Larry immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Larry Hill, and this is my wife, Beth. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Larry brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor, I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Beth and carries her downstairs, with Larry following closely. Igor is placing Beth on a table in the lab when Larry suddenly collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Larry on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Quickly, prepare a transfusion!" Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Larry and Beth Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Beth Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Larry's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Beth sits straight up, then Larry! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master, "Master, Master! The Hills are alive! ...with the sound of music!"

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

3 new bonds are being issued:

Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
Gore bond: Has no interest
Clinton bond: Has no principle

It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal". While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar, a real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring) Gill was also down on his luck, fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the Sand Bar, he poured the usual: Rusty Grunion, shaken not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids. For the halibut. Well, the place was crowded - we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, "Sand Enchanted Evening". The stage was surrounded by screaming guppies, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She was giving me the eye, so I thought this was chance to have a little fun. Or a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank ........ shedrank a lot. I said "What's your sign?", she said "Aquarium". I said "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said "C'mon, it'll only take a few minnows". She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight - I got a haddock". She wasn't kidding either, because just then in came in the biggest, meanest haddock I ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said "Listen Shrimp! Don't you come trolling around here!" What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said "Abalone! - you're just being shellfish". Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, as flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon". Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish - what's your name?" I said "Marlin". Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders.

Joe, a young man from an extremely disadvantaged background, received a full scholarship to a prestigious university. He moved into one of the dormitories and found that his room mate had a stereo that he kept tuned to a classical music station. Joe had never heard music of any kind and was captivated by the classical music. Several weeks later he approached one of the professors in the music department and explained his ignorance of music but how he had grown to like what he heard on his roomie's stereo. "Last night I heard an especially pleasing piece and want to ask you about it," Joe said. The professor was delighted to see someone interested in classical music, quite a rarity at that university. "Do you have any idea what the name of the composer was of the piece you heard?" the professor asked. "I think the announcer said Mozart" said Joe. "Mozart is one of the greatest composers of all time" said the professor, and he composed a great deal of music. Did the announcer say what the name of the piece was that you liked so much?" "Yes, and this is what puzzles me so much. I think he said the name of the piece was "I'm Inclined to Knock Music."

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a "BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him..."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster...faster...BUMPBUMPBUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks it behind him. The coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP BUMP BUMP on the heals of the terrified man. The man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything...all he can find is a box of cough drops which he throws at the coffin...and the coffin stops.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble. "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A certain psychiatrist had fallen into the habit, each day after work, to stop in the local bar for a drink to relax. Being a man of strange tastes, his favorite drink was a chicory daiquiri. Dick, the bartender, had only this one customer who requested this strange concoction, but because the Doctor was a regular, he kept a supply of chicory, in the refrigerator. The Doctor always stopped in at the same time evey day, so Dick was able to prepare the drink ahead of time and have it ready and waiting for this regular customer. One day, as Dick was preparing for the Doctors arrival, he discovered he had run out of chicory. He was frantic to find a solution to his problem. Then he noticed a bottle of hickory flavoring on the shelf. In the hopes the Doctor would not notice, he prepared the drink and slid it onto the bar just as his customer sat down. After the Doctor took the first sip, he asked, " Is this a Chickory daiquiri Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!" was the reply.

Two peanuts walked into a bar and were a-salted...

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...

'Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". At this, the man called the bartender over.,"Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts...they're complimentary."

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says,"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club..."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face?

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender snarls, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "And aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her: "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan." The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall and the name on the door says "Patricia Wack." So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan." Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have something to secure the loan, some collateral." At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan. So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells him, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is." The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY. The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again." "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish." "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies. One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

THE BARBER After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town's Baptist Church. The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, "That will be $20." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Herskin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

So this mushroom walks into a bar and sits down. The mushroom says, "Hey bartender! Can I get a drink?" The bartender says, "Sorry man, we dont serve your kind around here." The mushroom replies, "What man? I'm a FUN GUY!"

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING The Center of Disease Control in Atlanta, GA. announced today that the President has PROVEN that you CAN get sex from aides.

A potato farmer had three lovely daughters. The first daughter married into the Idaho potato family, which made the farmer very proud. The second daughter married into the Russet potato family, which made the farmer even prouder. Then, the third daughter married a news caster at a local television station. The farmer was very disappointedafter all, this son-in-law was only a common tater!

As the shopper placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her "Paper or plastic?" "Doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bisacksual."

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special. Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it! Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish. Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish. Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?" Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!" The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through the change of life!"

Remember the Rap singer Vanilla Ice? Seems that in a bid for immortality, he donated a tissue sample to an experimental laboratory for cloning research. Unfortunately, the sample was accidentally combined with another tissue sample belonging to Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The result was......A Vanilla Ice Kareem Clone.

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..............U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois................... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .........Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .......................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst....................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin......................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh
The little nephew.............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco......................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie B. Gogh

Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant. When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

When she told me I was average she was just being mean.

So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that change the parity of the electrons? Of course it won't change. Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in '57 for showing that parity is knot-conserved.

Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No I lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head!"

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn. One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else. The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me.

Valentine Story He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."