"If a writer knows what he or she is doing, I'll go along for
the ride.  If he or she doesn't ... well, I'm in my fifties
now, and there are a lot of books out there.  I don't have
time to waste with the poorly written ones."  Stephen King,
"On Writing"

Welcome to the 2005 edition of

        THE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMIC BOOK BEST-WORST LIST

This was meant to be my official fare-thee-well to the Sonic
the Hedgehog comic, covering issues 145-157, the latter just
arriving in the mailbox before New Year's Day.  Let me say up
front that the Sonic X comic is NOT under consideration. 
Nothing against Joe Edkin, who seems to know his stuff when it
comes to writing, though Tim Smith's artwork is already
beginning to look seriously tired.  But the title is only 4
issues old and, frankly, it doesn't seem to have found its
voice yet.
     For those not clear on THAT concept, it's a phrase used
to describe television series which premiere and go through
the motions but never seem to come together in any meaningful
way.  When a show DOES find its voice, though, it becomes a
defining moment.  The series "M*A*S*H" was more or less
another service comedy on the order of "McHale's Navy" with
not that much edge until the episode titled "You Never Hear
The Bullet."  With that episode the show's identity was
established and its anti-war subtext fell into place with Col.
Blake's speech: "There are certain rules about a war.  Rule
Number One is young men die.  And Rule Number Two is doctors
can't change Rule Number One."  This brought the seriousness
of the serio-comic show into sharp focus, where it stayed.
     As for why I decided to get out of the fandom, Ken's
recent statement that I'm doing so because the book is
abandoning the SatAM continuity is incorrect.  I've said
repeatedly, and will say one more time, that I was never
particularly wedded to the SatAM continuity; it just happened
to WORK!  As the Stephen King quote above puts it, I've always
been prepared to go along for the ride with an alternative
continuity.  My only stipulation was that it would have to be
something that would, as you kids say, roxors my boxors.  But
I'm no kid anymore, and have watched the continuity steadily,
but not slowly, going downhill, weighted down by space aliens,
evil twins, soap opera plotting, and other useless baggage.
     BTW, be forewarned: this trend is not supposed to stop:
when the comic comes fully under Sega's editorial thumb, we
can look forward to the eventual appearance of Black Doom, the
space alien that figures in the climax of the Shadow The
Hedgehog video game.  Unfortunately, there's no law that says
"Thou shalt not rely on space aliens to get you out of your
stupid plot problems."  One more reason for me to turn out the
light and close the door.
     That was the plan, anyway.  But in a stunning and
unanticipated development at the end of the year, Ken Penders
was relieved of his writing chores for the comic.  He's been
philosophical about it on his Web site, but job loss, even for
a freelancer, is always traumatic (Been there, done that,
collected unemployment while pounding the pavement looking for
another gig for over three months, which is still better than
being a freelancer; that's why I belong to the Don't Quit Your
Day Job School of writing).
     I had resolved to walk away from the comic because of the
direction the book had been taking.  This New Year's offensive
by the Powers That Be basically changes the potential
trajectory of the book, since the new primary Sonic writer is
Ian Flynn, aka Ian The Potto.  An actual FAN is being put in
charge of writing instead of yet one more member of the Old
Boy Network of comic book writers.
     But as hopeful a development as this may be, I'm still
unsure of my relationship to the fandom.  There's less reason
to completely walk away, but I still need to put some distance
between the comic and myself; I'm still sorting out my
feelings about the shake-up.
     But let's do what we came here to do:


BEST SINGLE ISSUE STORY: "Stargazing," Tania del Rio (S151)

     Just as in the year 2000 the writing honors went to
ringers Danny Fingeroth for the "Heart of the Hedgehog" arc
and Dan Slott for "Zone Wars: Giant Robotno," it's taken
someone who isn't a usual Sonic writer to do what has never
really been accomplished in the comic during its entire run:
bring in a sense of wonder.  Tania del Rio, who had been
slaving away in the Archie mines doing "Sabrina" and "Josie
and the Pussycats," produced a six-page gem.  It introduces a
character I called Neo-Nicole: a "simulation" embodying
Nicole's "consciousness" in a form that isn't a Sally clone
but which is aware of its own mortality.
     The Archie writers, since the comic's inception, have
been immune to the fact that there could be a sense of wonder
about the world that the characters inhabit month by month. 
It was once promised that Mobius could deliver an Oz-like
diversity of stories and situations, but that check was never
cashed.  From donut-shaped planets to the afterlife, the
writers have raised potential stories that could evoke a sense
of wonder only to let them die.  del Rio succeeded where
everyone else failed, and is to be commended.


WORST SINGLE ISSUE STORY: And the nominees are:

Karl Bollers, "Training Day" (S145)
Mike Gallagher, "This Side of Parodies" (S147)
Ken Penders, "Sonic's Angels" (S152)
Ken Penders, "More Than Meets The Eye" (S154)

And the winner/loser in a tight race is:

"Sonic's Angels"

     None of these stories should ever have seen the light of
day.  "Training Day" was a poor excuse to introduce the
characters to any newbies buying the comic for the first time. 
"This Side of Parodies" was yet more water-cooler self-
indulgence from Mike Gallagher, written either under severe
frustration that he's throwing his life away working for a
damned comic book or because he actually thinks that the book
is about him and his co-workers (News flash: it isn't).  "More
Than Meets The Eye" was yet one more attempt to pimp Tommy
Turtle by tricking him out with comic book devices that would
have embarrassed Inspector Gadget and which made Tommy into
even more of a joke among the fans than he already was.
     But for pointless plotting, no grasp of character at all,
a denouement that was lifted whole from an episode of "Star
Trek," not to mention the smirking sexuality of the front
cover, "Sonic's Angels" takes the prize.
     Whatever made Ken Penders, whose mastery of boy's comic
plotting is accompanied by diminishing feeling in dealing with
the female characters of this book (as well as some of the
males), think that he could weave a story around Sonic plus a
harem featuring Bunnie (as Pretty Victim without ever spelling
out just how and why she was being victimized), Mina (using
the Sonic-like speed plot point that was more or less
abandoned when it was found she could get more mileage from
singing), Fiona (who was as much of a nonentity when Ken was
finished with her as when he started), and Amy Rose (who left
the hammer at home and is little more than an exposition
machine this time around)?  Once again, as in the
Good/Bad/Unknown arc, we have TWO threats which turned out to
be non-threats by story's end: the terraforming whatever-it-is
that conveniently dissolved to allow the heroes to escape, and
the symbolic rape of Bunnie by the EGG which dissolved thanks
to a deus-ex-machina that's SO blatant even Ken has Sonic
admit "[It's] a miracle!"  No, Sonic, it's just extremely bad
writing culminating in a howler of a typo, "Your [sic] mah
hero."  You have to see and read this one to disbelieve it.


BEST STORY ARC: "Songoose" (s153-154)

     It's not saying much that, in a weak field, Karl
Bollers's "Songoose" arc was the best arc to appear in the
comic, but that's not to say that the story didn't have its
strengths.  Instead of the fuzzy relationships that litter Ken
Penders's stories, we have the more focused Sonic/Mina/Ash
triangle, which wasn't a romantic triangle at all.  Mina cared
about Sonic but maintained her deep feelings for Ash, and
Sonic butted heads with the aforementioned Ash not out of true
rivalry for Mina's affections but because it was consistent
with their characters in an echo of the Sonic-Geoffrey rivalry
featured in the comic back during happier times.
     THAT'S the key strength of this story arc.  Despite the
subplots involving Nack (whose fan following remains a total
mystery to me) and Heavy and Bomb 2.0, this story was driven
more by the characters than by stupid plot points.  Consider
this review my farewell present to Karl Bollers, who is also
no longer with the Sonic book having decamped for the Promised
Land (aka Marvel Comics).


WORST STORY ARC: "The Good, The Bad, And The Unknown" (S145-
149)

     Ken Penders took four issues (five if you count S145's
"Harbinger") to accomplish what could have been done in a six-
pager: remind us of Shadow's continued presence in the
background, and tease the readers once more with the presence
of some mysterious figure.  The rest of this story was a
colossal waste of time, filled with bad plotting and worse
dialogue.  The promise of a three-way battle between Sonic,
Shadow, and Metal Sonic went largely unfulfilled, there were
interminable stretches of uninteresting monologue by Isaac the
robot (a strong contender for Worst New Character of the Year,
maybe of all time), and in the end the continuity was no more
affected than those characters who were supposed to be
electrocuted but weren't really.  Even "Line of Succession,"
another strong contender for Worst Story Arc, couldn't make
that claim since it led to the end of Antoine's exile on the
Antimobius as well as the screwing up of the relationship
between Sonic and Tails.  If Ken had been ORDERED to just fill
space and waste our time and money for 4 or 5 issues, it
shouldn't have turned out THIS bad!


BEST COVER ART: Pat Spaziante (S157)

     There were several covers that worked for me by virtue of
their strength-through-simplicity of design: 146, 149, 155 and
a late entry, 157.  The Spaz rendition of Shadow on the cover
of S157 edges out the others because it's not just about the
design, it's about the character as well.  Though the graphic
looks like a direct quotation from the Shadow video game, it
still retains the strong character of its subject, even if
Shadow appears to be communicating the message "Bite my
prickly black ass!"  That may be because after the first six
pages he disappears from the story.  I know I'D be honked off.


WORST COVER ART: Sanford Greene (S156)

     As far as you can get from my idea of what makes a good
cover is this ... thing.  It's a crowded, unfocused jumble of
characters who show up and have no relationship to each other. 
And is it me, or is the coloring sort of off?  


BEST STORY ART: Jon Gray, "Sonic's Angels" (S152)

     Though book-ended by artwork by Jim Fry and Al Bigley,
John Gray's stand-out artwork anchored an otherwise
unappetizing story.  He got his art under control, moderating
it to suit the occasion and reigning in some of the zaniness
when the script called for it.  The style was light when
appropriate, but his depiction of Bunnie being subjected to
whatever plans EGG had for her (too bad they were never
clearly spelled out in the story itself) was chillingly
effective.
     Unfortunately, as a foretaste of things to come, Jon Gray
decided that working on the Sonic comic was not his idea of a
good time and has contributed nothing since.  With his
departure as well as that of Karl and Ken, the comic enters
2006 on the verge of a "tabula rasa" era (that's Latin).


WORST STORY ART: Art Mawhinney, "The Chosen One: Part 2"
(S150)

     I've long admired Art Mawhinney's defining work of
drawing the characters, and was glad to see him rejoin the
rank of the artists for the book.  Unfortunately, whether on
his own or whether he was following directions from Romy
Chacon, he undercuts the good work of this short arc by giving
us Titan Tails, a supremely ugly steroid case version of our
favorite flying fox.  Too bad Titan Tails couldn't have been
"normal size but insanely powerful" to quote Sonic fan Dirk
Amoeba.  THAT would've been cool and cute.  But Titan Tails
was SO grotesque it stayed in memory even longer than the
worst of Ron Lim or Al Bigley.  Mercifully it'll never show
itself in the comic again, the Chosen One prophecy having been
taken off the table, but the damage has been done.


BEST NEW CHARACTER: "Neo-Nicole"

     Why "Neo-Nicole"?  Partly because while she looks
something like a Neopet(tm), she's still Nicole.  But beyond
the name was the fact that Tania del Rio gave us a character
with enough self-awareness to know of its own mortality.  And
in the comic book world of fake deaths, to build sympathy for
a character who's terminal is extraordinary.  It comes right
back around to the reason I bought into the comic in the first
place: the death of Julayla in S18's "In The Still Of The
Night."  As much as I hold the entire comic book genre in ill-
repute, some characters show what the potential of the medium
really is, aside from the stale conventions that govern the
medium and the petty turf wars going on off-panel.  The
readers have always deserved something this extraordinary
month by month; too bad it only comes along so rarely.


WORST NEW CHARACTER: Isaac the Robot

     With a look photocopied from the first Sonic Adventure
video game and a penchant for spouting such thrilling dialogue
as "THE PROBABILITY OF THAT OUTCOME IS 0.05%.  INSUFFICIENT
DATA TO EXPLAIN THE MOTIVATION OF THAT PARTICULAR SENTIENT
LIFE FORM" and "IVAN KINTOBOR, BORN JUNE 6, 2006, EXACTLY
TWELVE THOUSAND TEN YEARS, 11 MONTHS, 2 WEEKS, 9 HOURS, 47
MINUTES AND 13.7 SECONDS AGO," Isaac threatened to displace
Tommy Turtle as the most hated character in the comic.  A
literal exposition machine, there was simply no way the
readers could warm up to his chassis or be made to care about
his long drawn-out explanation of the origin of Chaos
Emeralds.  A train wreck!
 

BEST DIALOGUE: "I've always analyzed the stars and plotted
their movements and mapped out the constellations.  But I've
never realized how beautiful they are.  It's like I'm seeing
them for the first time."  Neo-Nicole, "Stargazing"


WORST DIALOGUE: "Sizzling SWATbots!!"  Tails, "Ignition" (The
Good, the Bad, and the Unknown, Part 2)

     You don't know HOW tough it was to winnow it down to that
pair of words.  Ken's never had a sure touch for dialogue, and
this year gave us some memorable examples, from the mustache-
twirling declamations of the Antiantoine in "Line of
Succession" to Isaac's leaden speech balloons in "The Good,
the Bad, and the Unknown" that helped earn him the designation
Worst New Character for 2005.
     But for sheer stupidity, for total inappropriateness, for
being such a throwback to old school comic book writing that
it SHOULD have been thrown back, for swiftly becoming such a
bad joke amongst the readers that Ken's never used it again,
"Sizzling SWATbots!!" takes this dubious honor.  It conjures
up a mental image of a SWATbot lying on a hibachi, or maybe of
Robotnik using the head of a SWATbot as a tabletop cigarette
lighter.  Unbelievable in more than one sense of the word.


BEST NEW IDEA: Not this past year


WORST NEW IDEA: Selling out

     S148 may not seem like a double-bagger, but its
appearance marked an infamous turn in the history of the
comic.  It was the debut of a cross-marketing agreement
entered into between Archie Comics and DC.  DC is, of course,
one of the oldest of the old schools in the industry, and
between it and Marvel DC controls 2/3 of the comic book market
in the United States.  It therefore made good business sense
for Archie to agree to run two pages of ads for DC products in
Sonic (in the case of 148, two ads for Teen Titans products
with more direct ties to the television series than to the
comic itself) with DC returning the favor in ... I don't know
which comic(s).
     In practice, however, it meant that those two pages had
to come from SOMEWHERE, and since the stories had already been
decided upon and there was no way Archie was going to lose any
more ad revenue, that meant that the Sonic-Grams and Fan Art
pages were expendable.  In the ten comics from S148 onward
inclusive, the Sonic-Grams appeared only in issues 149, 151,
and 157.  The fan art disappeared completely until S157, and
then had to share the Sonic-Grams page after being reduced to
the smallest of thumbnails.
     And if that weren't enough, S148 also saw the inclusion
of "HeroScape" #3, a glossy 8-page comic insert based on
Milton-Bradley's RPG (Milton-Bradley, which I remember fondly
as a game and toy company from my own youth, having apparently
been bought out by another company, Hasbro).  This supplement
was itself prepared by ... DC Comics (which is itself "a
Warner Brothers Entertainment Company").  I don't know what
kind of ads for Sonic run where in the DC comics, but the
Sonic fans got a close-up view of DC's marketing assault. 
S148 weighed in with 16 pages of advertising in a 32-page
comic even before you factor in the 8-page insert which
unashamedly calls itself a "Special Advertising Section."  And
it only cost the fans the letters and fan art pages.
     Ken Penders, on his Web site, insisted that the Sonic
comic receives tons of mail and it all gets read.  Swell, but
how are the fans going to know that's true unless they check
the Ken Penders Web site?  Since the comic was essentially
half-ads, why didn't they just alternate, put an ad on every
other page, sell even more advertising space embedded in the
Sonic logo, and get it over with?
      
     
     Enough of the rant.  Whether for a while or for good,
there's nothing left but to give a formal farewell.  I've
become so soured on things Sonic that I'm not even going to
quote the comic or any of the TV series.  Instead, I can only
quote the words of a different kind of a hero from a different
kind of world:

     "And so until we meet again, on the screen or in the air,
goodbye, good luck, and may the good Lord take a liking to
you."  Roy Rogers, 1911-1998