Knuckles #24 [May 1999] Spaz/Penders cover: "I said a wash and set--I don't WANT a hot oil treatment!" "Dark Alliance: Part 3 "Primary Evil" Story: Ken Penders; Art: Jim Valentino; Ink: Harvey Mercadoocasio; Color: Frank Gagliardo; Editor: Vickie Williams; Editorial: G-Force. Ken Penders confirmed to me that the previous month's "stab in the back" quote was indeed taken from _Mein Kampf_. Lucky guess on my part. This month's epigram was a gimme: it's an excerpt from President Franklin Delano Roosevelt's first inaugural address in 1933. If you've graduated from high school without learning this, either get your money back or else take another look at your American History text; if you're still in high school, this may come up on a quiz some day. I was actually hoping that Ken would have used something like Winston Churchill's "Democracy is the worst form of Government except [for] all those other forms that have been tried from time to time." Oh, and don't bother skipping ahead to look for the scene of "Spectre rallying the citizenry" - - you won't find it in THIS issue. Spaz contributes a drawing of the new model Dimitri. We open in the Chaos Chamber where Locke and Archimedes (the latter of whom has only one line in this installment) meet up with Spectre, as Jim Valentino makes it clear that he'd rather be drawing Spawn. Locke is about to practice some belated fatherhood by rescuing Knuckles from the Dark Legion, but Spectre argues that they need to clean house back in Haven, which is being overrun by Dark Legionnaires. "[Knuckles will] stand even less of a chance should Dimitri uncover that which we've hidden for so long...." Man, I HATE it when I get tripped up by a plot hole on page 1! As the "Deep Cover" arc (K17-18) made abundantly clear, Moritori Rex has had the run of Haven in his role as Pseudo-Tobor. Granted he may not have been there all the time, but he's probably attended more than a few board meetings of the Brotherhood, such as the one featured in "Reunions" (K16). He'd learned enough about the workings of the place to blow the right circuit at the right time in "The Guardian Who Failed" (K17). And he's been able to do it for... How long HAS it been, anyway? OK, I'm no math genius but let's try to do some minor noodling with the numbers here. Let's assume: A: That Knuckles is 15 years old, and B: That the Soultouch (if you don't know what that is, see my review of K11) kicks in so that a new Guardian is born when the present one is 20 years old (which is an assumption open to challenge but I want to keep the numbering simple). Based on the genealogy that appeared in the "Fistful of Letters" in K21, and given a consistent (if artificial) 20-year age difference between each generation of Guardian, we get the following approximate ages of the players: Knuckles: 15 Locke: 35 Sabre: 55 Athair: 75 Janelle-Li: 95 (if she were still living) Thunderhawk: 115 Sojourner: 135 Spectre: 155 Tobor (and Moritori Rex): 175 Hawking: 195 Uh...yeah. Either my math is way, way, WAY off, or else Guardians, if not echidnas in general, are blessed with Methuselah- like life spans (he clocked out at age 969 according to Genesis 5:27). And since the above named are only the latest 10 generation of Guardians out of 17 beginning with Edmund, that means Dimitri is somewhere around 335 years old, give or take a decade. Exposure to eleven Chaos Emeralds' worth of energy may have had something to do with his longevity. In any event, Moritori Rex has had well over a century to nose out Haven's various secrets, so it's a little late to be worrying about THAT, Spectre! Anyway, Spectre then BAMFs the three of them into the sub-basement of Haven, the better to sneak up on the bad guys. Back at the Technology Now Party HQ, Knuckles learns that robo-rat is none other than his ancestor Dimitri. And the only way I can easily distinguished him from Xenin is to look for the beaded curtain hanging below his right eye. We also get his take on ancient history, and a rather witty exchange between Knuckles and Dimitri on pages 5 and 6. Speaking of page 6, that's where we also find a sequence with at least as much religious significance as anything in the Forgotten Tribe arc (K10-12) if you don't count that whole Robin Hood interlude. It's the Temptation of Christ as enacted by Constable Remington and Benedict. Councilor Pravda is less a spectator and more like a piece of set decoration. Benedict adds that the whole election is a moot point because the fix is in and they can electronically juggle the numbers so that their candidate will win anyway, which renders the entire election subplot pointless. He also hints darkly that Constable Remington has a skeleton or two in his closet. Gee, a characters in a Ken Penders story who's been keeping a secret...nah, too easy. Back at TechNow HQ Knuckles is getting prepped for a medical exam. Dimitri speaks of how Knuckles prevailed against "my limitless power" while conveniently forgetting to mention that it was Mammoth Mogul who turned him into De-Enerjak. We then get a page of Xenin doing the "I will taunt you some more!" scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" for the benefit of Julie-Su and General Buzzcut. Quick cut to Spectre and Locke knocking out a couple Legionnaires. Spectre speaks of Locke "resort[ing] to fists" despite the fact that Locke gives his target a boot to the head. Back to Pravda's office where Remington tells Benedict he's a few pieces of silver short of the necessary thirty it would take for him to sell out. The bribe money must have gone for nose jobs all around because Benedict, Councilor Pravda and Remington all have shorter-than-usual snouts when seen in profile. Benedict has Pravda get up close and personal with the Constable as he beats feet. The Constable flags down a cab to pursue his quarry and gets picked up by Harry from the Chaotix Caper arc (K13-15). Harry's dull expression is probably due to the fact that he read the script, realized how pointless his part was compared with his previous outing, and decided to sleepwalk through this story. Back to TechNow where Knuckles is determined to be 100% organic -- nothing artificial. Dimitri wonders whether Locke hadn't "bioengineered the ultimate echidna" [at this point we're supposed to remember the newly-hatched Knuckles's day of absence from his mother as mentioned in "Reunions"] but before he can entertain the notion of changing his descendant's name to Julian Bashir, an alarm goes off warning of impending advertisements. Dimitri and his henchman are so intent on wondering where all this is going that they fail to notice that Knuckles has started doing his impression of Chernobyl. "Our entire network is now in jeopardy!" we're told. "I'll take Cut To The Chase for $800, Alex." "The place to which Harry and the Constable follow Benedict." "What is the headquarters of the Technology Now Party, Alex." Cut to Haven where Moritori Rex and Kommisar report that Haven is secure but could use a coat of paint and some new drapes. What they get is a power failure as they realize that Spectre and Locke may be on the prowl. M.R. isn't sweating it; "I know all of their secrets," he tells Kommisar, confirming my suspicion that Spectre was far more than a day late and a dollar short back on page 1. They try to make their way out but are subdued by Spectre and Locke. Back at the TechNow Party, Dimitri isn't ready to pull the plug on Knuckles in mid-meltdown. Xenin, however, figures the Party's over and bugs out just as Benedict shows up. At that point, Knuckles is giving off such a serious aura that Benedict goes into meltdown himself, revealing that he was a bot. Man, Jim Valentino must want to work on Sonic REAL bad! It's all downhill from here: Constable Remington shows up to pick up the pieces, including rescuing Knuckles. But we hit rock- bottom on page 22 where Dimitri (who lives to fight another day) totals up the end results: they rigged the election so that their candidate would win, and they'll just put in another droid or something to serve out Benedict's term. Cheap at the price of so many captured Legionnaires and Pravda's brain being destroyed. Joe Stalin couldn't have put it better. HEAD: I never thought I'd say this, but the Knuckles comics have finally sunk to the level of the Sonic comics. That sinking feeling set in last month when it was revealed that Spectre and Locke had slipped through the Legion's net. What I had thought would be a political thriller along the lines of "Seven Days In May" turned into yet one more action story along the lines of "Air Force One." And Knuckles saw none of the action himself: the star of the comic spent this installment either hanging upside down, lying on his back on a gurney, or glowing like a nightlight. And the ending, in which the bad guys win, was rendered with the same kind of nihilism that made "Battle Royal" so easy to hate. Some choice dialogue expended on a story I actually feel sorry I read. Head Score: 2. EYE: Jim Valentino has now had a chance to do an entire Knuckles story arc. Naturally, he's jumping ship at this point to trade places with Steve Butler. Just as well; I was not impressed by this outing. In retrospect, Manny Galan outshone Valentino in one important respect: he could do ordinary scenes with the same impressive conviction as the splashy fight scenes. Valentino can deliver when drawing the villains or when working on dramatic layouts, but I honestly don't think he could do a convincing drawing of Lara-Le at prayer in the aurorium. And now we know he won't be given the chance. Oh well, Knuckles's loss is Sonic's loss. Eye score: 3. HEART: Even before the cynical downer of a denouement, I knew I was in trouble. I was talking with a fan about the story and I started to make a point about...him...the guy...at the rally...with the stupid sword. I don't claim to be Knuckles's Number One Fan but I think I could hold my own in a trivia contest. But the fact that I had totally blanked on the name Benedict (and in fact couldn't recall it until I looked it up in K23 the following day) brought home the news with shocking clarity: I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT THIS STORY OR THE CHARACTERS IN IT! NONE OF THEM!! There it was: the first Warning Sign that I was becoming Disenchanted with the comic. I'd probably been in denial since K22; I think I had some inkling when I read Special #8; I had to wonder after Sonic #70. But there's no use denying it: I've been losing my ardor for the Sonic comics like a hemophiliac losing blood. And this arc only opened up a few more holes. Heart Score: 1. Off-Panel: I'm pretty sure Mammoth Moguil is P.O.'ed because he only rates a joke that Mike Gallagher kyped from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?". Fistful of Letters: And just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, Justin Gabrie comes along and machine guns me in the kneecaps. SonicGyrl@aol.com asks a question about the age of Prince Elias. Granted the punctuation was problematic, but I finally figured out the source of her confusion: she didn't distinguish between the Great War and the coup engineered by Robotnik. No harm, no foul. Until Freddie stepped in where angels fear to tread and tossed off the information that "Elias was about five" when the craft carrying him and his mother went down. Despite the fact that Sojourner refers to him as "a baby" on page 7 of K21 and Manny Galan's artwork depicts him as an infant. That did it. I am now convinced that NOBODY at Archie knows what they're doing anymore! So I've decided to start writing fanfic again. I can no longer trust any of the creatives at Archie (barring some miracle) to deliver quality work! If I want to read a story that moves my mind and heart I'm just going to have to write it myself. The stories in the comics are starting to wander all over the place, Elias still hasn't found his niche, ditto for Nate Morgan, and Jim Valentino has no business drawing furries! I gave him the benefit of the doubt for "Parallel Paradigm," but now all I have is doubt. Let him do the steroid cases, let him resurrect the Mighty Crusaders, but leave Sonic alone! I haven't gotten to the point where I'm going to say "That's it, I'm outta here!" Yet. But the creatives are going to have to prove themselves to me all over again. I've jumped past being Disenchanted; I'm Disgusted! I'm too depressed to deal with the names, the Fan Art, or Sam Maxwell's drawing of Bigfoot. Maybe, MAYBE, "Childhood's End" next month will change my mind. Unless Archie's figured out a way to screw THAT issue up. As for Sonic #71, it'll arrive in my neck of the woods some time around April Fool's Day; only appropriate for what I fear will turn out to be a colossal joke.