A few weeks back my fellow Student Movement section editor, Alannah Tjhatra, wrote about boxes. Today, I want to tell you about cups.
The purpose and use of cups are discussed in many contexts; one of my favorite iterations of the word cup and its synonyms is the metaphor “Is the glass half full or half empty?” It’s a complicated question because the answer changes depending on what is occurring in your life. But either way, the glass needs to be filled to some degree in order for the question to exist.
The same goes for humans: something needs to be in our cups in order to thrive on this earth. What does that mean? The metaphor of filling your cup typically refers to the idea that a cup and what is inside function as a meter of whether or not our personal needs are fulfilled. When our cups are filled, it shows that we are in a healthy state to provide for others’ needs, and the less we have in our cups, the less capable we are of helping others. This is something that a group of people called “givers” tend to forget. In organizational psychology, there are three reciprocity styles in relationships that humans take on: givers (seek out ways to provide for others), takers (try to get as much as possible from others), and matchers (who give but expect something in return). Today, I want to write to those whose style I relate to most, the givers.
Givers are characterized by their prosocial traits, such as selflessness, altruism, or kindness. They’re those people in your life whose natural impulse or tendency is to take on others’ problems typically before their own, and try to provide solutions. This is what separates them from takers and matchers. Ideally, if this is done healthily, they give without expecting anything in return, although in our dark and complicated world, this sadly isn’t the case all the time for givers. Givers can take on the unhealthy traits of takers, for instance, when their own cups are empty (I further elaborate in the next paragraph). This displays a burnout from giving.
Research has found that unhealthy giving can be associated with negative outcomes, such as feeling overwhelmed by others’ problems, or feeling frustrated, particularly when there is low reciprocity in their interactions. This can morph givers into takers, using manipulation in order to receive the care and attention that they give, therefore taking from others’ probably already depleted cups. There may also be compulsive giving that is driven by low self-esteem. In such cases, individuals believe that they will only be liked if they do things for other people. Givers also tend to stretch themselves thin by making sure everyone’s needs are met, neglecting their own needs. Such a pervasive lack of regard for themselves leads to one’s cup eventually becoming empty.
So the question is, how can we givers ensure that we don’t fall into a trap of unhealthy giving? In a world where we can’t always rely on others to help us fill our cups, we must learn how to fill our cups ourselves. Who better to learn from than one of the greatest givers to walk the earth?
Jesus Christ was fully human and susceptible to these feelings of low self-esteem and not doing enough. I think about how exhausted he became nearing the time of his crucifixion when he said in Gethsemane, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me…” (Matthew 26:39 NIV.) He shows the natural human desire to avoid pain and suffering, (the cup being filled by the burdens of others as well as the burden of his mission) yet to me, he is still the greatest example of the radical and free giver; the other half of the verse stating: “Yet not as I will, but as you will.” He constantly put aside his own problems to take on the burdens of those whose needs held greater magnitude. He was charitable with his time, stopping whatever sermon or teaching he was doing to attend to those outside of his social circle. He told us to “Love our neighbor as ourselves,” labeling it as one of the greatest commandments. Yet, how can we love our neighbor as ourselves if we are not giving adequate care to ourselves?
This is where we can learn from Christ’s example on how we can fill our own cups: Jesus constantly and consistently prayed to God, he set boundaries with his time, at times went away to quiet places to avoid distractions, and essentially did what He needed to do for himself in order to fulfill his mission. That is what we need to do in our own lives if we want to continue thriving as givers.
As an extrovert, chronic multi-tasker, people-pleaser (something I’m working on), and someone whose love language is quality time, I have to constantly remind myself that I can’t do it all. As much as I want to say yes to every social opportunity I get, I shouldn’t. I should say yes to asking myself if I’m pleased with how I am living my life and if I am giving adequate time to myself. And as much as I’d want to be there for people and their needs, I need to be more deliberate on where my time goes and really check to see if I have the capacity in my cup to truly be there for them. A quote from Jenée Desmond-Harris says this on how to split your time: "I started dividing my to-do list into 1) things I have to do, 2) things I want to do, and 3) things other people want me to do. Life changing! I often don’t get to #3, and I finally realized...this is what it means to have boundaries."
If you asked me three years ago, I used to thrive on being busy (I essentially had no boundaries), but now I know that in order to thrive you must rest first.
So to the givers out there, I want to say these things to you today as a reflection of what I’ve learned:
You are appreciated and your role is valued. Your abilities as a giver are unique and are a gift to others. Embrace it, understand that not everyone has this gift, and give grace towards those people.
Check your intentions. Don’t force yourself to give. If it feels forced then it is not the time for you to give. It’s inauthentic for both you and the person you’re giving.
When needed, seal your cup. Set boundaries and protect them when you aren’t in the place to be attending to others’ needs. And don’t be afraid to communicate that, they will understand.
Give yourself some grace. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough. Period.
Life becomes beautiful when you start treating yourself as well as you treat others. As we experience the increased end-of-school-year stress, I implore you to examine if you are the giver in your relationships and ask yourself, “Am I capable of giving right now?” and if so, “How am I giving?” And ponder if your giving is authentic (to your current state), genuine (without expecting anything in return), and Christ-like (giving to others just as much as we are giving to ourselves).
So givers, the next time you ask yourself if the glass is half full or half empty, I hope you can simply say that yours is full.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.