What is a marriage? Everyone would have their own answer to this question, but nowadays, in this country, it would seldom include the idea of essentiality. Compared to just a few centuries ago, when it seemed ridiculous to defy marriage and the "responsibilities" within it, more individuals today are questioning certain traditional perceptions. Marriage does not have to be heterosexual, it does not have to involve a child, it does not have to happen in the first place, and it does not have to last forever—divorce is a possibility, not a sin.
That paradigm shift, apparent especially among the millennial and gen-z generations, has made it easy for the media or society to see younger generations as irresponsible and impatient groups contributing to the drop of the marriage rate. But does this change really mean that people are not serious about marital relationships or any relationship that requires commitment as much as marriage? And how is the change reflected at Andrews, where many come from families that find marriage personally and religiously important? As you think about your own answers to these questions, check out the opinions from our own Andrews students (coming from various relationship statuses) regarding what they think about marriage in the world today, and in their personal life.
Sydney Lapham (graduate, physical therapy)
To me, marriage is a very important decision that should come with time. I definitely relate to the feeling of being rushed; my best friend is getting married in May, and my younger sister will probably get engaged soon. These two events are highlighted topics in all of the recent family dinners. Meanwhile, my family only asks me about school and academics. It's hard to feel like you're not behind. *cue "Falling Behind" by Laufey* I have to keep reminding myself that everyone has their own timeline. If college has taught me anything, there is no right or wrong timing of anything in life. At the end of the day, that decision of marriage should only be between you, your partner, and God, and no one else should matter.
In this day and age, I think marriage is becoming less and less of a priority. No one likes commitment; it's a tough decision, especially to a human with many flaws. But I think it's important to remember that God made marriage as an example of His commitment to us. No matter how far we fall or what sins we commit, no matter how far we run or how far gone we think we are, God is still committed to loving us unconditionally. He wants us to experience falling in love with a human and learning to grow with them, much like how we learn to grow with God.
Nathan Cheng (senior, music)
Marriage is a blessing and, ideally, should be a lifelong lesson of love. It is hard, but it shapes character. It is a commitment that requires time and energy, both physical and emotional. I believe marriage is an important institution that has largely lost its significance in today's society. I think good marriages are a sign of a healthy community, and unfortunately, that is something rarely seen.
There will always be pressure from outside sources, both to get married and not. While there is wisdom in council, ultimately, two people must commit fully to one another. Otherwise, it more often than not causes serious problems. Sifting through people's advice is hard, but the best people to listen to are those who know you best and care for you in a way that doesn't benefit them. Please ignore the pressure from parents to deliver their grandchildren. I know it sounds harsh, but in a society where lineage and family legacy aren't fundamental to identity, parents advocating for their children to get married and make them grandchildren is toxic and a recipe for disaster.
A good community often revolves around strong families but rushed marriages don't make for strong families. Rather, they generally make for settings of misery and abuse. That being said, defining a rushed marriage is difficult. I've seen good marriages come from two strangers meeting each other and deciding they were meant for each other, and I've seen miserable couples where the courtship was a long, drawn-out process over the course of years. Again, at the end of the day, marriage is wonderful, but it is hard work.
April Bange (senior, sustainable horticulture)
I think that marriage can be a great way to fully commit yourself to someone. However, this does not mean that you have to be married in order to fully commit yourself. I believe that there is a lot of pressure from the church and family, but ultimately getting married is a personal decision that should not be forced.
Rachel Stubbert (junior, health science)
I think there definitely is pressure in the [Andrews] community as we constantly see people the same age as us getting married. There is even more pressure due to being in a Seventh-day Adventist college as it is one of the main places you'll find where there are a bunch of Adventists your age in one area. Once you're out of college, meeting so many SDA Christians would be harder. That puts a timeline of sorts to find a partner, which places a lot of pressure when there shouldn't be.
Nathan Mathieu (junior, exercise science)
I believe different generations have differing reactions surrounding marriage, each with their flaws. Marriage is an important institution, but it is a decision that must not be taken lightly. Marriage is not a fix-all solution but rather an announcement of your commitment to another person. While I haven't necessarily experienced the pressure “to get married” per se, the most common question that I receive after “How are you?” and “How's school?” when I visit family and family friends is, “Do you have a girlfriend?” I don't think there's any harm in asking since they want to know and be involved in the details of my life, but maybe there's a pressure added, a subtle presence when looking at the question beyond a surface level.
For Generation Z (of which I am a part), marriage is a hot topic, mainly because marriage trends are changing. Now, there are debates about same-sex marriages and open marriages. Another trend is the average age of people getting married is increasing. For example, my grandparents married in their early 20s while they were in college. My parents married in their late 20s after college, but they dated in college. Then there's me, who has not dated anyone yet. This statement is not true for everyone, however. I have people who have graduated high school with me or later than me that have already married. Unfortunately, I hear many criticisms against my friends and acquaintances who have already married. Maybe they made that decision lightly, but I highly doubt they did.
Alaina Burghardt (senior, Spanish and global studies)
I think that marriage was born out of patriarchy and that it was basically ownership of women by men. Over the years, as the rights between men and women have become increasingly equal, the marriage rate has declined. Honestly, that makes sense because people now have the option to leave an unhealthy marriage, and there's less societal pressure to get married. Personally, I do want to get married and have a wife someday. Even though it started as an oppressive structure, you can make it whatever you want and arrange your marriage ceremony however you want if you want to cut out the more patriarchal bits.
From my interactions with Andrews University students, including those who graciously provided the above responses, I do not think our peers particularly favor the idea of hooking up and breaking up as the media portrays us. Well, yeah, that part of society exists, but were they ever not there? Most people are serious about commitment because they care about their life and happiness. At the same time, I think the fear of "failing" or missing out remains among us. Even as we tell ourselves that marriage is not essential, it can't be helped that there are moments when we doubt ourselves when we compare our situations with the happy people we see on social media. And that fear applies to all of our major life decisions, not just in marriage—the question of "what if" does not stop haunting us.
But if it ought to happen, it will happen. And if it doesn't, it is what it is. Many of us realize that peace is not the absence of war, but the constant effort to manage the conflicts that are always present in our lives. We understand that love is not just feeling, but a commitment and acceptance of all the humanness that belongs to the beings we long to be together. Thus it would be inappropriate to describe the reluctance as immaturity, but rather vigilance and maybe even care. As much as the previous generations worked hard in their lives through marriage and nurturing their children, we are also trying our best to find our answers. We are simply doing it through different forms of marriage, or the absence of marriage. Nonetheless, essential values like commitment and acceptance remain intact in most individuals' lives.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.