The Student Movement

Arts & Entertainment

Cautionary Tales of Summers Unused

Nate Miller

Photo by Ylanite Koppens

The summer is a scary time. Some people do nothing: they sit and get really good at some game that nobody really cares about, like Zombie Killing Mania 7: Kill the Zombies in a Mania Frenzy 7 or Fortnite. (I made both of those up! They aren’t real!) Others go and do things. Summer camp! Internships! Working at the KFC as a not-manager because of administrative gridlock!

It’s like congress, KFC. You’d have no idea how dysfunctional it is in a company that sells fried chicken.

But I’m not here to talk about pseudo-Southern fast-food chains represented by the creepily mustachioed. Nay! This article is to explore three non-doers’ summers. People who squandered their summers thinking of pets, going on walks at weird times of the day, and discovering fake jazz. I could say these stories are all true, but then I would be lying. Lying is not okay, or so the Bible says, and do I look like an apologist or a remotely qualified person? No! To tell the honest truth, I have no business even telling fake stories to you!

But that is a long introduction to what is a short joke. So grab a non-alcoholic piña colada and settle down into your faux La-Z-Boy because we’re about to go on a journey together!

Galvin Yopka, 27 years old, completing an MA in something he can’t even remember, lives in a random, jail-like basement, and wants a pet. Single, obviously.

Galvin is a silly, silly man. He’s spent 32 hours on PetFinder.com in the last week, and most of it was looking at horses. He can’t have a horse! He lives in a basement that barely has a kitchen! That’s how every day has gone from May 1st until now, August 23rd. It’s the end of his summer, and all he’s done is crack open his 1997 Lenovo IdeaPad, sit on his soggy blue couch, and think about horses. 

That is all you need to know about Galvin’s summer.

Thankfully, Galvin’s story is the worst. I had to start with him, though, because you can’t go up before you go down!

Cindy. Lives in Minneapolis.

Cindy leads a happy, simple life. She has a blue gingham tablecloth, fuzzy white slippers from Bangladesh, and a cousin who calls her once a month to ask for more money, which Cindy gives him. “It’s my good deed,” she always says when he calls, before forking over $1000 in Outback Steakhouse gift cards she knows she’ll never get back.

During the summer, Cindy began walking at odd hours. One in the morning. Seven at night. Noon. Have you ever seen somebody walking at noon? That’s like going to bed in the early afternoon—it just doesn’t make sense. But Cindy would walk and walk, and (to me, at least, maybe not to you, but it doesn’t matter, because you’re not making this up) she would always walk at odd times. One morning, on a walk from three to six am, she found a clam shell. “Wow,” she thought before throwing it back to where it came from. Then she went home and thought about clams for an hour before going to bed at seven in the morning. Seven!

Cindy walked at weird times for her entire summer. In August, she got a job selling shoes, which she always complains about to her cousin when he calls for more money.

Norton Sanders, with a wife and three children, has vacationed to Europe more times than he can count on his fingers, has straight brown hair and wears tropical shirts.

For Norton Sanders, summer was a time of liberation from the K-Pop his three children would blast around the house. Norton’s friend, Gerry, recommended that Norton listen to some jazz, “you know, to loosen up a bit, you’ve been looking awful uptight recently, Norton,” and Norton immediately bought a Kenny G CD. Kenny G is all he cares about now. During the summer, all he did was shut himself in his office, make sure nobody could see in and put his headphones in. K-Pop, be gone! There’s a new king in town, and he plays the saxophone and his name is Kenny, you know, like Ken in Barbie but with extra letters. Norton is still a good father: he takes his children to t-ball practice once a week. But he spends all his spare time in his study, discovering the magic of the saxophone. And his friend, Gerry, told him he seems “more relaxed now, you do, that’s my buddy.”

Well! After reading about these people, who didn’t do much with their summers, aren’t you ready to go out and conquer the world? I know I sure am!

The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.