November 15 is National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, a holiday most people are not aware of, but one that has more practical pertinence than many holidays we observe. Below, I provide a sample schedule for the lead-up to the day.
Friday, November 10
After reading this article, go to your mini fridge. Open it. Behind the bag of rotting clementines is a tub of Panera mac and cheese you bought in August. Justify it being there, then take it out and put it in the microwave for three minutes. The cheese tastes old and grainy.
Saturday, November 11
Sleep in. Your stomach feels weird. You forgot to stock up for breakfast and all you have is the bag of clementines. Open the mini fridge and stare at the splotches of green-gray mold. Decide the oranges aren’t too rotten. Try and fail to cut the mold off. The (mostly) good parts of the oranges are small and bitter. Finish the bag quickly. Walk down the hallway to throw away the rotten parts, feel queasy, hold onto the wall. When you get back to your room, fall into bed. Take a nap.
Feel worse when you wake back up: sheets tangled, face wrinkled. The standard-time sun is low in the sky. Sit, legs crossed, in front of the mini fridge. Stare into it. Your head feels hot. Change your shirt, because you’re going to see “The Marvels.”
After the movie, your eyes are sore. Go into the sticky movie theater bathroom and look at them. They are creased with red.
Get back to your room. Write an incoherent movie review. “I couldn’t get my mind off Matthew McConaughey and I’ve also never been a big Brie Larson fan, but I haven’t seen Apartment.” Matthew McConaughey is not in “The Marvels,” and there is no movie called “Apartment.” Brie Larson’s Oscar-winning movie was “Room.” You don’t look it up before posting the review on Google.
Sunday, November 12
Spend the day watching football. Your teams lose. Finish the half-full bottle of pink lemonade you find in the fridge.
Look up symptoms for pink eye. Go down a WebMD rabbit hole. Diagnose yourself with mild paranoid schizophrenia, ADHD, and autism. Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist for November 15.
Monday, November 13
Say “tired” whenever anyone asks you how you are. You are not tired, you just don’t know how else to answer. Look up symptoms for sleep apnea and diagnose yourself with it.
National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day is in two days. Order soap and a rag on Amazon.
Tuesday, November 14
Slimy fluids are coming out of both eyes, and your vision is blurry for the fifteen minutes after you wake up.
A notification comes up on your phone. Your movie review has been disliked five times. Disable notifications for negative reviews of your reviews.
Open your fridge. You can see to the back. Something like icy snow has accumulated. Scrape it off and make a snowball with it. Wait for someone to come near your window. Your math professor walks by, talking on the phone. Throw the snowball at her, then duck so she can’t see you. After a minute, peek out. The snowball landed on the sidewalk and your professor is gone.
The soap and rag arrive. Leave them on top of your dresser in the box.
Go to a co-curricular event about love. Shop for jackets while the presenter talks. Don’t find anything you like. After your classes are done, buy cottage cheese at the Gazebo.
When you get to your dorm, see that you left the fridge door open. Close it. Think about the rag and soap.
Wednesday, November 15
Your psychiatrist appointment is in South Bend. You wake up twenty minutes before it is supposed to start. Throw pants and a t-shirt on, eat the cottage cheese, run downstairs, get into your car. Blink to clear your vision, but it’s still foggy.
Hit a car in your blind spot when merging onto the highway. Stand, shivering, by the side of the road for thirty minutes while the old man from the car yells at you. He has a checkered scarf that flaps around in the wind. Worry about your self-diagnoses.
When you get to the psychiatric office, the tight-haired secretary passive aggressively tells you that no more appointments are available. Drive back to Andrews.
It’s early afternoon by now. You’ve told your teachers you aren’t coming to class today because of your appointment.
With your extra free time, take out the only thing in your fridge: microwave popcorn on the bottom shelf. Wonder why you had microwave popcorn in your fridge. Take the soap and rag, fill a bowl with water, and clean your fridge.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.