It is the night before a big test, you are up at midnight focused on some last-minute study, when you hear a knock at the door. A close friend stands there quietly, you can see something is wrong in their eyes as they ask if you happen to be free. At this moment, you have a choice. Do you tell them you are tired and studying for an exam… or do you choose to welcome them knowing it will probably take emotional energy you don’t have budgeted and time you didn’t have planned? You have to choose where to spend your time, effort, and energy, but the price of community is inconvenience.
The word inconvenience has a negative ring to it, often associated with minor problems that arise and issues that need to be resolved. Inconvenience is usually something we try to avoid, anything that disrupts our comfort and control. It certainly isn’t the end of the world, but if given the chance, we would certainly opt to avoid it.
So when it comes to interpersonal relationships, how do you balance the desire for comfort, control and convenience with shared depth and vulnerability? Often, these desires are incompatible. Brené Brown, a professor at the University of Houston (and author!), defined vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." While that sounds unpleasant, she continues by asserting that "vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences." As humans, we tend to shy away from the risk of being rejected or other such uncertain situations, but as Brown states, without vulnerability, there is no love, no belonging, and no joy.
Your friend showing up to your dorm room at midnight seeking support is an act of courage and vulnerability. Not only did they deem you as someone who would show up for them, but they also felt safe enough to push through the fear of rejection to show up at your door. Asking for support can be terrifying. The voices in our own heads can tell us to just lock in, get it together, or not bother anyone else with the consequences of our own actions, but true community can be seen when someone still chooses to risk showing up despite all of that.
In that moment of decision making, as you weigh the options, it is important to recognize that you need to have good boundaries surrounding your time, space and emotional state. It being an inconvenience is the difference between a small detour of support and sacrificing your wellbeing. Having good boundaries around how long or how much you can support someone, and clearly communicating it, builds trust and safety.
While the title of this article is that the price of community is inconvenience, I would also like to point out that it is ok to be an inconvenience. There will never be a perfect time to be supported, especially in college. Everyone has their own lives, stressors and problems, and if you wait for the “convenient” time to reach out for help, you could be waiting your whole life. If you are always waiting until it’s convenient to need people, you will never let anyone love you fully. You are worth the time, effort and energy that goes into support. Not really, please believe me on that, more than the (possible) voice telling you that you’re a burden. Relationships are built on reciprocity, and that means showing up for each other and reaching out for support even when it might feel inconvenient.
When you are feeling out of it, do you have someone safe you know you can turn to? A community you know you can be vulnerable with? It can be just one person, and sometimes it starts with becoming that person. Begin letting others know you are there to support them, checking in when someone seems out of it, and allowing yourself to happily choose the detour of inconvenience. You don’t need to be everything to everyone, just vulnerable enough to show up.
If it costs you nothing, it probably isn’t community.
The Student Movement is the official student newspaper of Andrews University. Opinions expressed in the Student Movement are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, Andrews University or the Seventh-day Adventist church.