Connecting From Afar

In an essay entitled “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House,” feminist literary critic Audre Lorde wrote the words, “For women, the need and desire to nurture each other is not pathological but redemptive, and it is within that knowledge that our real power is rediscovered. It is this real connection, which is so feared by a patriarchal world.” Lorde is saying that women need female friendships in their lives in order to thrive in a patriarchal society. While I believe that undergraduate friendships are impactful and important regardless of gender, I really resonate with this quote because I truly believe that I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for the women in my life. As the last individual from my friend group to still be in undergrad, the lack of physical closeness from my community has been profoundly felt this semester. Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt a significant shift in how I approach attending classes and spending time in my departments, especially as I think back to how it was with my friends still here. The laughter and the unspoken expectation that we’d bump into each other in the Honors department for a snack or a chai latte made me take their physical presence for granted. My friends and I became so close that some of our professors would tell us to text each other if someone was late to class or if they needed to be reminded about a meeting. While having a conversation about this topic with a friend, she told me that “it feels like a different school,” which is incredibly relatable. Although it’s difficult to bear witness to your people moving on into the next phase of their lives while you’re still in the same space, there are ways to remain close even if they’re hundreds of miles away. 

Make the time to connect.

While I know that it’s difficult to find the time to sit down and have a conversation with friends who aren’t on campus—not only because you’re busy with classes and schoolwork but also because the other party is probably trying to figure out how post-grad life works—if something like friendship is truly that valuable to you, you’ll intentionally carve out the time to make it work. Recently graduated alum, Amelia Stefanescu, says that “Love is something you inconvenience yourself for. You make time for the things and the people that you truly care about, and long-distance is not an obstacle for true friendship. Setting aside part of your time and energy for someone who might be far from your side but who is close to your heart is the strongest type of connection you will ever experience in your life.”

Find ways to connect that fit your schedule/other priorities.

Since Stefanescu is currently working on her master’s in Canada, one of our calls has been to hop on the phone and have a study session together. This way, we can spend time with one another but also be productive with things that need to be done. Sometimes neither of us wants to yap a lot, so we catch up with each other and then read our separate books while on the call. I think that friendships where you can sit in silence with each other are some of the best ones, so why should that change once you’re in different countries?

Try to find creative ways to connect with each other.

In an opinion piece entitled “How to (realistically) maintain long-distance friendships,” Alexcea Apostolakis mentions the idea of sending little treats and gifts to the people you love who don’t live near you. I know that as college students, our bank accounts are always near to crying, but this could be such a fun idea! Apostolakis talks about ordering Uber Eats and having it delivered to your friend, or CashApping them some coffee money. Personally, I would like to start doing this from time to time just to spread some love, even though I can’t hug my girls in person. 

Be realistic. 

There are times when it’s literally impossible to call or FaceTime. Everyone has full and busy schedules, so some of your long-distance friendships can go for a while without anyone reaching out, and that’s completely OK! Remember to try not to overthink things (like I’ve done on many occasions) and trust that they’ll reach out when they have a moment to breathe. Bear in mind that I’m not talking about the unhealthy kind of friendship where you’re always the one initiating conversations, or you send a text and the other party doesn’t reply for months on end. I think it’s important to remember that people get busy and that just because you don’t call every week doesn’t mean that they’re not thinking about you!

While talking on the phone or video calling isn’t nearly the same as being in close proximity with your friends, it’s nice to still be able to connect with them, even from afar. Friendships are important, especially during the transition moments from college to the outside world, and they should still be on the list of priorities even as you’re in different settings.